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 Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One

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TerishD


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PostSubject: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   July 24th 2008, 8:59 am

Okay, I know that this site is just starting. I was invited, and I have noticed that others were invited as well. With such an elite gathering, I would expect more activity. Like me, however, I believe that we all have our own regular outlets for our creativity.

Well, I am going to do my part to get things started. What I will be posting are installments to my next story. My present story still has almost two months to go, so I will post slowly here until time has things catch up.

This story is the third in the Terish Dozzrine Saga. Note that my screen name is TerishD, and, yes, that name was taken from him. He is a very old character in my imagination, although one whose stories are hard to tell. Although I have been posting stories for many years, this is only the third tale of him to appear.

The characters are established, but hopefully each will be presented in a manner allowing everyone to understand who they are. The genre is inter-dimensional fantasy. I hope that you enjoy.

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Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Chapter One - Part 1   July 24th 2008, 9:03 am

Thaunya glided across the room while sending her body into a number of combinations of twirls, dips, and jumps that she found satisfying and felt sure that others would feel pleasing. No music played, as she wanted the rhythms to come from inside her. A television did present a very soft dialogue of a comedy, but that was only a statement of her attitude. A camera did record her movements, but her ego did not demand that the video feed be herself. She desired to find some happiness within her, so had set the signal to the television to be something light and humorous. While the lady did not consider herself happy, she told herself again that the actions of her body displayed an inner peace.

Her hair was not long. The audiences she danced before preferred her with long hair, so she had purchased a number of wigs that looked natural when in front of a camera. She had tired of tending to long hair, and had her natural locks cut. The long dark tresses had been used to make one of her wigs, the one she usually wore to public appearances where she was not performing. She and her husband would often laugh when he came home and tossed his hat and she tossed her hair.

Thaunya really did not believe that she paid attention to the television. It provided her with memories of when she and her husband lived in a small apartment. There were further memories of her children watching cartoons while her mother danced. Those days were now centuries in the past, but the television had stayed on. Thaunya knew from days of power outages that she would cry if it was not showing something. While she understood that it was displaying its images and softly making noises, her private belief held it to be a sentimental relic from the past with no true practical purpose.

Her body froze in a leap, and she landed poorly because of the lack of further movement. Thaunya spun to find what had shocked her, but found herself stunned to be facing the television. The image had changed with her extremely surprised to have noticed.

A child rode a horse over a field. The young boy, Thaunya had lost all concepts on just how to estimate his age, rode the animal with an easy seat. Behind him also mounted upon horses was a lady in a very elegant but business-like attire and a man in a high-quality although archaic suit. Thaunya could not place the movie, so moved to the remote to have the television play the sound louder.

Static erupted on the speakers before Thaunya realized that no sound accompanied the vision. In the distance she saw a road, and the style of vehicles moving upon it let her know that the image was recent. She looked at those with the child, and realized that she knew the woman. Understanding that this was no ancient movie, Thaunya turned the television set off.

Her husband was in the kitchen preparing a turkey. He did enjoy cooking, although normally worked on small gourmet recipes that barely sated their appetites. He and she would often laugh as they went out for fast-food after dining on highly specialized cuisine. He looked up from his preparations to say something, but Thaunya spoke first.

"I believe that we need to leave." His puzzled expression had her say more. "They will be coming for me, and I don't believe we are ready to make a decision."

He did not say anything, although started washing his hands to be ready for her conclusion. She did not say anything more, but moved to the television in the room to turn it on. Her own belief was strengthened when she did not have to find the channel she had been watching. The image was being displayed on all channels. He looked and spoke stating a knowledge of what he was seeing.

"Why would they send him here, like that?"

"It does not matter, Chorrik. They will be coming for me."

The man displayed the usual trait of his gender as he said, "To teach him to dance?"

"No, Chorrik, to get me to have a baby."

"Oh."

Thaunya knew to wait. Once clued in on her paths of logic, he was very capable of following it and helping her come to a good decision. They had discussed things, so he did have certain facts stored in his head, and Thaunya waited for him to drag those memories back into the forefront of his memories.

"I have never been beyond our dimension, Thaunya. I will follow and support you, but you will have to lead."

"You are the damn reason I was sent on those missions, Chorrik. Are you going to again succumb to other powers?"

"Thaunya… damn. The council will have to come to a decision. What stand do you want me to make?"

"Chorrik, you haven't done anything for nearly a decade! All those centuries of fighting Straekin, then making all sorts of political maneuvers when she had to go the bathroom, and when she left our world the council basically fell apart. I am going to be a pawn, AGAIN!"

"You a pawn? Think of that boy."

"LOOK AT HIM! That is Annalia behind him. That boy has the support of Straekin, who still has the status of our empress. I don't know the man, but his attire states that he represents Thiminy. That boy is the son of Terish, who the council has all but called a criminal. That boy is no pawn. He is a piece in a game, but he is no pawn."

"Okay, Thaunya, you are no pawn. You have twice been sent on missions with our empress. Each time you came back successful. I will do everything I can to support whatever position you desire."

The lady's body shook as she said, "You don't understand, Chorrik. I can have a baby. I went with Straekin. I gained the same blessing that she did. She claimed that this world was not a world for children, so left with Terish. I did not leave, because you were here. You are my husband, and I love you, and we had our children before the war. I did not want more, but wanted to return to my life. I however suffer each month in the old way. That boy will have certain parties remember my presence, and come to me seeking to restore our world to being a living thriving place."

"Our world is not dying. There were only few suicides last year."

"A few! There are no replacements! Our world is dying, Chorrik."

The man felt that he was losing the debate, so tried a different strategy. "That boy does not represent an answer to the crisis."

"And how will your fellow council members like it when Terish is finally set as our emperor, because his own children take control of our politics?"

Thaunya felt some of her anger cool when her husband's response came quickly, "And do you believe that our children will vote differently?"

The view on the television had been a long shot, but now the image changed as a camera had been brought near the procession. Thaunya and Chorrik watched as an image of the tall ornate spires of their global capital building came into view. Both had visited the castle numerous times, so had recognized the terrain, but having the building of power, which truly was a thing of beauty with no ability to withstand a true conflict, shown as the destination of the boy had each go silent.

Finally, Chorrik said, "The council will need to make a statement. I need to go to our castle."

"Straekin has never treated me unfairly. If I run, Chorrik, I will go to Thiminy."

"The horses that can take you are raised outside the royal city. Can I give you a ride?"

"I would be eternally mad at you if you didn't."

~^~^~ ^~^~^ ~^~^~

Annalia beamed as Venicht held a straight stance while riding towards the castle. While the lad had been trained and lectured by his parents, herself, and Nuverd that rode with her, Annalia found herself having to forgive the lad should he start acting his age. She was almost seven hundred years old, and wanted to twist in all directions and look around her.

Everyone was looking at them. Vehicles were stopping on the road with people moving towards them. Two camera crews in gliders flew beside them presenting images to the world. While the walls of Castle Davelda were mostly for show, with battlements barely large enough to allow token sentries to walk upon them, a crowd now looked over the walls with a multitude more leaning out of windows.

Annalia wondered what the youngster was thinking as he came towards the royal edifice. The white paint of the castle stones had not been allowed to fade. The areas of precious metal had not been allowed to tarnish. The crystals still radiated their colors. While he had been told and shown how his mother's home appeared, he surely had to have some amazement at seeing it the first time. He however held his place in the saddle with no movement being noticeable by the lady riding behind him.

A crowd filled the area inside the walls of the castle. Annalia was surprised to find so many people waiting in the courtyard and streets that converged in front of the main building. She knew that the castle housed the main government, but reports had been that the officials had not convened in the years since the empress left. What Annalia saw only made her feel that the words of the boy's parents were true, the world of Davelda would operate smoothly without the annoyance of the major political bodies.

Annalia traded a glance with Nuverd as the entire assembly around them suddenly knelt. Venicht had dismounted, but Nuverd had been trained to make a pronouncement to get the people of Davelda to recognize who had come before them. The world had an arrogance that set them apart. Even though they dealt with beings from numerous dimensions, those of Davelda seldom traveled themselves. Strangely, Annalia and Nuverd dismounted understanding that the people of Davelda would give respect to one of their own.

"His name?" Annalia turned as did Nuverd to the whisper that had sounded. "We don't know his name."

The official from Thiminy straightened his stance as he answered the question without adding the details he had been commanded to state. "Venicht Baker Dozzrine."

One man in front of the crowd lifted his head to speak to the boy. "We know the name, Venicht. It is a proud name from our past. You should be grateful to your parents for bestowing it upon you. Why Baker?"

While some whispers had made a murmur in the courtyard, all sound hushed when the lad answered the question. "My father does not know the name of his father. He only knows that he was a baker."

"Well, Prince Venicht Baker Dozzrine, why have you come?"

"I have come to ask you to teach me. My father and mother say that all of you are very old, and have things to teach, but they did not know if you would."

Almost a cry of despair came from a lady, "Did we tear down the schools?"

Another said, "No, we teach each other. I learned to dance from Lady Thaunya. Surely we have those who remember how to teach children."

As an attempt to get things from escalating into side conversations, the first speaker asked, "Your mother's apartment is still within the castle. If you will make yourself at home, Prince Venicht, we will find you a teacher."

Annalia now saw the young man look around, then as he saw the multitude look back, he said, "My mother told me to apologize for not returning to you, but says that her heart is no longer here."

The lady that spoke rose to move to the lad as she said, "But she sent you to us, young prince. There must still be some love in her heart for us. If we cannot show our love to her, we can certainly show it to you."

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Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   July 24th 2008, 5:41 pm

This is my own personal opinion. First I will say I've never attempted Fantasy writing, and don't really enjoy reading it. However; if I can get into a story no matter the genre I'll give it a try.

This is a lot of information here in the first chapter and so far its good. In order for me to comprehend things I have to write them down, such as the different towns or places in regards to the individual character names. Except for Thaunya, her husband Chorrik and Venicht. Very creative character names by the way. I like most the way you described Thaunya and her body during her movements. A lot of writers forget to connect to readers emotionally, and not just physically.

Surprisingly I've really enjoyed what I've read so far and I'm looking forward to more.

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PostSubject: Reply   July 24th 2008, 7:57 pm

Whoa, thanks. Not just for the kind words, but simply for saying anything at all. I was told when I first started that, "people are quick to flame, but if you are doing something right they will usually say nothing at all." He then told me what I tell others: KEEP WRITING. I have for over eight years now.

By the way, I post on my usual sites every five days. Since this story is being released early, it will update every ten days.

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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   July 25th 2008, 7:21 pm

I can say only one word: Wow

It cost me a long time to read but i found it so great
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PostSubject: Reply   July 25th 2008, 8:31 pm

Thank you for taking the time, Saphira, and for such nice words. I promise to do my my best to keep it worthwhile.

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Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Part Two   August 3rd 2008, 8:08 am

Since I did not post the earlier stories here, I felt a need to tell any readers that there is a reason in saying the names of Venicht's sisters. Endullae is the name of the wife of Terish's father that Terish believes is his mother. Desiree is the name of the prophetess that predicted the erasing of the world, and what needed to be done to hopefully rescue a coming world. Terish spent his last year on his home world under the tutorage of Desiree, and it was Desiree that sent him from his home world with the instructions to learn.

Annalia was not surprised to see Prince Venicht turn to Nuverd. The two did not get along, but the constant warfare had formed its own bond between the pair. When in doubt of how to act, the boy knew that he was all right as long as Nuverd was not scolding him. The whispered words had no venom, but simply gave instruction.

"Tell everyone to rise."

Prince Venicht turned his torso as he said, "People of Davelda, rise."

The sight of the young man was lost to most as the crowd of adults came to their feet. No voice of complaint sounded however. All waited for the next act in the drama, which was stated in words so soft that Annalia barely heard them.

"Now move into the keep."

A crowd followed the boy through the large double doors that led into the edifice of the main government building of the planet of Davelda. Slowly the people dispersed, as most realized that they would get a better view of the lad from their televisions. The questions that they had would also be asked by the reporters speaking to him.

As Venicht was shown through the castle, he freely spoke to those around him. He talked of his younger sisters: Endullae Nishalita Dozzrine and the recently born Debbish Desiree Dozzrine. Those around the lad thought it charming how he slightly shrugged off questions about his parents. The references that he gave clearly indicated that they were a strong presence in his life, but as a child what matters they considered important he clearly did not. He had however paid attention to his lessons, so some answers were clearly stated.

He had been sent from his home at the same age that his father had been sent from his. Venicht mumbled memorized words of his father having to learn in a foreign land, to which certain officials who tried to be seen on camera as being with the lad strongly stated words of displeasure about being considered a foreign land. Words of agreement were voiced along with the pompous statement that Venicht should not consider Davelda anything but his second home. When the lad stated that he would be on Davelda only five years, more sounds of protests were made. Nuverd explained that the politics of Gaeskow were considered to be an important point of the prince's development, but consented that conditions on Davelda in the following years could affect the real future. The official from Thiminy did however make it known that there would be no discussion concerning having Venicht attend Bellesdun University where his father had matriculated.

Those with the young prince felt some satisfaction at having a few years to watch him develop, and allowed him to enter his mother's apartment alone. Some did attempt to stay with the lad, but Annalia let everyone know that she did know the castle, and most of those that worked inside, so could get anything that was needed. She also hinted that she knew the cameras in the front public areas would be turned on with the world continuing to watch the lad.

Venicht stepped into the large foyer with slight disgust showing on his face. He did not recognize the people whose portraits hung on the wall. The stands holding pots of ferns did not please him.

"My mother lived here?"

Annalia smiled as she said, "That door leads to a closet where your guests can leave their coats. I will seek to reactivate the butler to handle such mundane matters. That other door opens to your mother's formal office. It is where she privately meets with snobbish personalities or does things in front of cameras that are of global interest. You need not bother with either of those doors, but open the other one."

The room was not completely dark, so Venicht was able to see his way around even before Annalia turned on the lights. The expansive room glowed with furniture upholstered in white and yellow cloth sewn with metallic threads. Stands of wood and other polished materials held items of all types. The young prince walked around as if in a wonderland.

"Are all these mine?"

"They are your mother's, but, yes, you may play with them as long as you take care of them. She would like for you to learn to enjoy a variety of things."

He picked up a croquet mallet as he said, "But there is no one to play with."

"The whole world will play with you, Venicht. You are the only child on Davelda, but that is not how it should be. There was a time that we did not understand that, but I believe that we have learned. If you do not like it here, Venicht, you can go to Gaeskow, but your mother and I will cry."

"Will my sisters come here?"

"I believe that you will help make that decision, Venicht."

He put down the croquet ball that he had picked up, but carried the mallet as he walked through the room to another pedestal. "What is this rock?"

Nuverd now spoke, "That is a piece of your father's world. Treat that rock with respect, Prince Venicht, as it has been shown to be an active connection. You are not only a hope to your mother's history, but your father's as well."
~^~^~ ^~^~^ ~^~^~

Thaunya hated to have the stable master break from the television. She fully understood the fascination with having a child in the castle. The need for business however had her press her demand for service, and caused the stable master to turn from his entertainment.

"I need to go to Merkinnist."

Thaunya expected her husband to say something about her change of plans, but he stayed quiet while the stable master spoke in return, "Lady Thaunya, I know that you have been to Merkinnist at least once before, but you are not a regular."

"No, it would help if you had a horse that knew the way."

"Merkinnist is not a common destination, but common enough. We can give you pointers, like last time, to help you direct the horse or assure that it is not going the wrong way."

"Thank you."

Thaunya kissed her husband, told him to pay the bill, then left to get her satchel from the vehicle. She had no more than made it a few steps along her way when she stopped upon hearing a loud scoff from her husband. The lady thus turned around to find out if there had been a problem.

Chorrik blurted out, "What do you mean, our business?"

"I am just saying, Sir, that whatever plan you are hatching for the return of Empress Straekin I hope gets cut into ribbons by her husband's sword."

"I was watching the news on my way here, thank you, so can say that Prince Venicht said nothing about his mother returning."

"I can promise you that no mother would send her child out to face a pack of wolves like you in the council. She will have King Terish sneaking around assuring that all is well, and she will come herself."

"There are no plans for the return of Empress Straekin. We knew that she had gone to Thiminy to be with Terish, and that they had hopes for children, but Prince Venicht is a surprise."

The stable master kept his voice defiant as he admitted, "We knew. The facts were not boldly stated, but our people, like Annalia that rode behind our prince, went to Thiminy with our empress. They brought back reports."

"But you cannot blame us in the council. We have hardly even met since Empress Straekin's departure."

"But there was Giluchex moving right beside Prince Venicht. Don't tell me that all the lot of you have turned over new leaves."

"Hey, don't put me in the same group as Giluchex. I don't like the man either."

"Right, but you have worked right with him over the last few centuries."

Thaunya strode up, kissed her husband on a cheek, then said, "Give the man a tip, so he won't tell any other of the council about my trip."

"I will do that for free. Not like I talk to them anyway, or they talk to me…" a finger stabbed back and forth at Chorrik as he said, "like they are supposed to."

"Hey, I talk to my constituents. My wife runs a school. I often stop by to talk to others, or they detour to our house to speak to me."

"Hey, that is right." The eyes of the stable master turned to the lady. "Are they going to get you to teach our prince to dance?"

That question caught Thaunya off guard, so her response did not come out even. "Well, they had not asked. I don't really teach the basics, but my instruction is more for performance directed individuals. Maybe, when he gets older."

"Yeah, he is young. Can you imagine being sent to a place like this when just a child?"

"His father was sent into a worse situation at that age. If not for Ferrigote, he might not have survived."

"Still, Straekin went to Thiminy saying that it was a place for children. She did not send her son here alone. She is going to return, if just to check on him."

Chorrik paid the bill, then dropped a tip as he said, "Well, I am surprised that she has been on Thiminy all these years. Once she learned how to travel to other worlds, she did not stay in her castle all that much. I thus won't be surprised to get word that she is moving about, but this topic has nothing to do with my wife."

"Listen, I will say what I want to you, Councilman. I will also say that the women of Davelda are the finest anywhere. Terish has traveled enough, and he claimed one of our own. I hold no grudge against Lady Thaunya, and advice from Merkinnist has never caused any harm that I know of."

Chorrik turned to his wife to say, "I will get the bags. You stay with the stable master and learn what advice he feels that you need to hear."

Thaunya had been through other dimensions twice, so knew most of the rules. Neither trip had been taken willingly however, so she previously had the confidence of others wanting to assure her safety. This time the journey was of her initiative, so listened to the words knowing that this time it would be her own rashness that possibly got her killed.

She understood that the differing physics of other worlds prevented machines from being trusted methods of travel. When Terish arrived on Davelda many decades previously, he had ridden a horse. As the people of Davelda learned about other worlds, they found that only basic methods of travel could be used to reach desired destinations. They thus found themselves looking to Terish's mount with a desire to gain one for themselves. To find such a steed was rare however with Terish bragging that he taught his mount himself. Some people on Davelda thus took it upon themselves to teach their animals to move between worlds, and after only a little bragging themselves found a steady clientele.

At the end of the lecture, the stable master said, "If you feel a need for more advice, Lady Thaunya, buy a guide."

"No. I should be all right. But tell me, if you will, how much business do you get from people wanting to go to Thiminy?"

"They have a really exotic zoo. Not in Thiminy, but in one of the other towns that Terish rules over. The mountains are rather spectacular as well, especially for those wanting to see dragons." As if he said too much, he quietly added, "There is a small but steady stream."

"Straekin thus knew that we had not forgotten her."

"And Prince Venicht did not arrive thinking of us as strangers. That was clearly evident watching him."

"There is thus hope for our world."

"We are all survivors of one great war, Lady Thaunya. Hopefully there won't be another, but change has a way of making everyone pay a cost."

"Did you lose children in the war?"

"A son. My parents refused the treatment, and died. Sometimes I wish that I had their strength, but I like my life. I am waiting for Venicht to face our decision."

"If we again have children, there will again be death."

"And life. Look at that boy; he is so full of life. We are immortal, and not so full of life. We went to war when we faced this question before. I hope that we learned enough not to do it a second time. Empress Straekin got us to think clearly before we wiped each other out, but she has left us. I hope her son has some of her wisdom."

_________________
Fantasy puts more requirements on the writer than any other fiction, because the world must be made as real before anything else can be real.
Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   September 15th 2008, 10:40 am

Here we are Terishd, please remember that these are just my thoughts as a reader. My comments are in green.

On the whole I liked the story very very much, it would be the kind of book I’d buy. The only thing I found a bit lacking was information on how they came about and bios on the people type of things…. How easy it is to spot something somewhere else! Hahah, mind you, your story is a long one, not a short one so that’s a bit tricky. As a reader I like to be reminded of things in a subtle way like names and places or what had happened in a certain place and with dialogues I like to be reminded of who’s speaking; after all, this kind of book is not usually read in one go but in a few days or more which means it gets put down and taken up again many times. Just remember: just my thoughts.


Subject: Chapter One - Part 1 Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:03 am
Thaunya glided across the room while sending her body into a number of combinations of twirls, dips, and jumps that she found satisfying and felt sure that others would feel pleasing. No music played, as she wanted the rhythms to come from inside her. A television did present a very soft dialogue of a comedy, but that was only a statement of her attitude. A camera did record her movements, but her ego did not demand that the video feed be herself. She desired to find some happiness within her, so had set the signal to the television to be something light and humorous. While the lady did not consider herself happy, she told herself again that the actions of her body displayed an inner peace. ***** COMMENT: It was only after reading it the second time that I understood the dancing and the camera thing.

Her hair was not long. The audiences she danced before preferred her with long hair, so she had purchased a number of wigs that looked natural when in front of a camera. She had tired of tending to long hair, and had her natural locks cut. The long dark tresses had been used to make one of her wigs, the one she usually wore to public appearances where she was not performing. She and her husband would often laugh when he came home and tossed his hat and she tossed her hair.

Thaunya really did not believe that she paid attention to the television. It provided her with memories of when she and her husband lived in a small apartment. There were further memories of her children watching cartoons while her mother danced. Those days were now centuries in the past, but the television had stayed on. Thaunya knew from days of power outages that she would cry if it was not showing something. While she understood that it was displaying its images and softly making noises, her private belief held it to be a sentimental relic from the past with no true practical purpose. ***** COMMENT: question: was T.V. a normal thing or was it playing old shows constantly as T.V was no longer operating?


Her body froze in a leap, and she landed poorly because of the lack of further movement. Thaunya spun to find what had shocked her, but found herself stunned to be facing the television. The image had changed with her extremely surprised to have noticed. ***** COMMENT: I can’t make sense of this particular sentence, it might be my English going down the drain again.

A child rode a horse over a field. The young boy, Thaunya had lost all concepts on just how to estimate his age, rode the animal with an easy seat. Behind him also mounted upon horses was a lady in a very elegant but business-like attire and a man in a high-quality although archaic suit. Thaunya could not place the movie, so moved to the remote to have the television play the sound louder. ***** COMMENT: Was this being shown on tv? Was this what Thaunya was watching or was it something that was happening somewhere else?

Static erupted on the speakers before Thaunya realized that no sound accompanied the vision. In the distance she saw a road, and the style of vehicles moving upon it let her know that the image was recent. She looked at those with the child, and realized that she knew the woman. Understanding that this was no ancient movie, Thaunya turned the television set off.

Her husband was in the kitchen preparing a turkey. He did enjoy cooking, although normally worked on small gourmet recipes that barely sated their appetites. He and she would often laugh as they went out for fast-food after dining on highly specialized cuisine. He looked up from his preparations to say something, but Thaunya spoke first.

"I believe that we need to leave." His puzzled expression had her say more. "They will be coming for me, and I don't believe we are ready to make a decision."

He did not say anything, although started washing his hands to be ready for her conclusion. She did not say anything more, but moved to the television in the room to turn it on. Her own belief was strengthened when she did not have to find the channel she had been watching. The image was being displayed on all channels. He looked and spoke stating a knowledge of what he was seeing. ***** COMMENT: the underlined word “although”: is that necessary? Should it be a “he”? (probably a silly question of mine) / underlined words: “to turn it on”: I thought it was still on.


"Why would they send him here, like that?"

"It does not matter, Chorrik. They will be coming for me."

The man displayed the usual trait of his gender as he said, "To teach him to dance?" ***** COMMENT: underlined words: “usual trait” is that supposed to mean that he is only interested in dancing?”
"No, Chorrik, to get me to have a baby."

"Oh."

Thaunya knew to wait. Once clued in on her paths of logic, he was very capable of following it and helping her come to a good decision. They had discussed things, so he did have certain facts stored in his head, and Thaunya waited for him to drag those memories back into the forefront of his memories.

"I have never been beyond our dimension, Thaunya. I will follow and support you, but you will have to lead."

"You are the damn reason I was sent on those missions, Chorrik. Are you going to again succumb to other powers?"

"Thaunya… damn. The council will have to come to a decision. What stand do you want me to make?"

"Chorrik, you haven't done anything for nearly a decade! All those centuries of fighting Straekin, then making all sorts of political maneuvers when she had to go the bathroom, and when she left our world the council basically fell apart. I am going to be a pawn, AGAIN!"

"You a pawn? Think of that boy."


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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   September 15th 2008, 10:43 am

"LOOK AT HIM! That is Annalia behind him. That boy has the support of Straekin, who still has the status of our empress. I don't know the man, but his attire states that he represents Thiminy. That boy is the son of Terish, who the council has all but called a criminal. That boy is no pawn. He is a piece in a game, but he is no pawn." ***** COMMENT: Now I know Thiminy is a place.

"Okay, Thaunya, you are no pawn. You have twice been sent on missions with our empress. Each time you came back successful. I will do everything I can to support whatever position you desire."

The lady's body shook as she said, "You don't understand, Chorrik. I can have a baby. I went with Straekin. I gained the same blessing that she did. She claimed that this world was not a world for children, so left with Terish. I did not leave, because you were here. You are my husband, and I love you, and we had our children before the war. I did not want more, but wanted to return to my life. I however suffer each month in the old way. That boy will have certain parties remember my presence, and come to me seeking to restore our world to being a living thriving place." ***** COMMENT: if they’re together, shouldn’t Chorrik know about her having her periodes? (see underlined), and I suppose that he should know that she didn’t want any more children…. (lack of communication there perhaps?)

"Our world is not dying. There were only few suicides last year."

"A few! There are no replacements! Our world is dying, Chorrik."

The man felt that he was losing the debate, so tried a different strategy. "That boy does not represent an answer to the crisis."

"And how will your fellow council members like it when Terish is finally set as our emperor, because his own children take control of our politics?"

Thaunya felt some of her anger cool when her husband's response came quickly, "And do you believe that our children will vote differently?"

The view on the television had been a long shot, but now the image changed as a camera had been brought near the procession. Thaunya and Chorrik watched as an image of the tall ornate spires of their global capital building came into view. Both had visited the castle numerous times, so had recognized the terrain, but having the building of power, which truly was a thing of beauty with no ability to withstand a true conflict, shown as the destination of the boy had each go silent.

Finally, Chorrik said, "The council will need to make a statement. I need to go to our castle."

"Straekin has never treated me unfairly. If I run, Chorrik, I will go to Thiminy."

"The horses that can take you are raised outside the royal city. Can I give you a ride?"

"I would be eternally mad at you if you didn't." ***** COMMENT: the dialogue is good but I feel the need for more explanations as I got a bit lost here.
~^~^~ ^~^~^ ~^~^~



Annalia beamed as Venicht held a straight stance while riding towards the castle. While the lad had been trained and lectured by his parents, herself, and Nuverd that rode with her, Annalia found herself having to forgive the lad should he start acting his age. She was almost seven hundred years old, and wanted to twist in all directions and look around her.

Everyone was looking at them. Vehicles were stopping on the road with people moving towards them. Two camera crews in gliders flew beside them presenting images to the world. While the walls of Castle Davelda were mostly for show, with battlements barely large enough to allow token sentries to walk upon them, a crowd now looked over the walls with a multitude more leaning out of windows.

Annalia wondered what the youngster was thinking as he came towards the royal edifice. The white paint of the castle stones had not been allowed to fade. The areas of precious metal had not been allowed to tarnish. The crystals still radiated their colors. While he had been told and shown how his mother's home appeared, he surely had to have some amazement at seeing it the first time. He however held his place in the saddle with no movement being noticeable by the lady riding behind him. ***** COMMENT: and who’s that lady behind him? (nosey me!)

A crowd filled the area inside the walls of the castle. Annalia was surprised to find so many people waiting in the courtyard and streets that converged in front of the main building. She knew that the castle housed the main government, but reports had been that the officials had not convened in the years since the empress left. What Annalia saw only made her feel that the words of the boy's parents were true, the world of Davelda would operate smoothly without the annoyance of the major political bodies.

Annalia traded a glance with Nuverd as the entire assembly around them suddenly knelt. Venicht had dismounted, but Nuverd had been trained to make a pronouncement to get the people of Davelda to recognize who had come before them. The world had an arrogance that set them apart. Even though they dealt with beings from numerous dimensions, those of Davelda seldom traveled themselves. Strangely, Annalia and Nuverd dismounted understanding that the people of Davelda would give respect to one of their own. ***** COMMENT: underlined word “trained”: how was Nuverd trained?? What kind of training?

"His name?" Annalia turned as did Nuverd to the whisper that had sounded. "We don't know his name."

The official from Thiminy straightened his stance as he answered the question without adding the details he had been commanded to state. "Venicht Baker Dozzrine."

One man in front of the crowd lifted his head to speak to the boy. "We know the name, Venicht. It is a proud name from our past. You should be grateful to your parents for bestowing it upon you. Why Baker?"

While some whispers had made a murmur in the courtyard, all sound hushed when the lad answered the question. "My father does not know the name of his father. He only knows that he was a baker."

"Well, Prince Venicht Baker Dozzrine, why have you come?" ***** COMMENT: and where does Dozzrine come from?

"I have come to ask you to teach me. My father and mother say that all of you are very old, and have things to teach, but they did not know if you would."

Almost a cry of despair came from a lady, "Did we tear down the schools?"

Another said, "No, we teach each other. I learned to dance from Lady Thaunya. Surely we have those who remember how to teach children."

As an attempt to get things from escalating into side conversations, the first speaker asked, "Your mother's apartment is still within the castle. If you will make yourself at home, Prince Venicht, we will find you a teacher."

Annalia now saw the young man look around, then as he saw the multitude look back, he said, "My mother told me to apologize for not returning to you, but says that her heart is no longer here."

The lady that spoke rose to move to the lad as she said, "But she sent you to us, young prince. There must still be some love in her heart for us. If we cannot show our love to her, we can certainly show it to you." ***** COMMENT: how sweet! What a nice thing to say : )
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   September 15th 2008, 10:43 am

I'll post comments for chapter 2 tomorrow if everything goes ok...


I really hope it helps...
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   September 15th 2008, 10:46 am

oops... I've just realised that it didn't copy the underlined words...... I hope you can follow it though
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   September 15th 2008, 1:50 pm

I was waiting for this.

The commentary on the beginning is accepted. What you are saying is a struggle, but this is a novel and not a short story. The first thing necessary in a novel is to HOOK the reader. I was thus going for mood more than providing history and character details. Once the reader is hooked, then they should be desiring to learn more about the characters.

That does not mean that your comments will be ignored. WRONG! It helps a lot to determine where I need to focus in re-writing. I was going for mood, so probably left out things feeling that they were implied or could be handled later. Your comments let me know what might need extra concern, and that is appreciated.
Commentary wrote:
Chorrik said wrote:
The man displayed the usual trait of his gender as he said, "To teach him to dance?"
***** COMMENT: underlined words: “usual trait” is that supposed to mean that he is only interested in dancing?”
No - means that he focused on the obvious practical facts and not any hidden or non-blantant meaning. His wife was a dancer who taught others to dance, so focused on Venicht possibly being trained to dance by his wife.
alexandra wrote:
***** COMMENT: if they’re together, shouldn’t Chorrik know about her having her periodes? (see underlined), and I suppose that he should know that she didn’t want any more children…. (lack of communication there perhaps?)
Yes, Chorrik knows, but does not focus upon it. It is a concern of his wife, but it is not something that he can relate to. Yes, he and she have spoken about certain things, but it is not something that troubles him monthly as it is with her. Thaunya thus accepts that she needs to stress certain facts to get Chorrik to understand her. Remember, ladies, we men CAN understand what you are speaking about, but you CANNOT assume that we are thinking about the same thing you are speaking about.

alexandra wrote:
***** COMMENT: and who’s that lady behind him? (nosey me!)
ANNALIA! She was riding behind (already stated a couple of times in the text).

alexandra wrote:
***** COMMENT: underlined word “trained”: how was Nuverd trained?? What kind of training?
I really have not gone into much detail about Nuverd. I do bring out some things about the man later in the story, but I am still deciding upon his worth. I want the focus to stay on Venicht. Presently, the only scenes developing Nuverd are in dealing with Annalia. Thus, commentary about Nuverd is appreciated.

alexandra wrote:
***** COMMENT: and where does Dozzrine come from?
That is a long story. The Dozzrines were a rich family (they were actually responsible for providing the grain with which Terish's family made into bread). In dealing with the farms out on the land, they came into contact with the Prophetess Desiree who grew fruit. While they believed the prophecies, none of the Dozzrines were willing to commit themselves to what was necessary to confront them. Lady Dozzrine followed Desiree's orders to find the right person to confront the evil deity of their world and stop the cycles of creation/destruction (complete destruction - even Heaven is emptied). Terish fulfilled the conditions, so was adopted by the Dozzrines (thus his having their name) and sent to train with Desiree. After a year of instruction, Desiree sent him from their world (thus saving Terish from the destruction), and through luck or design met Ferrigote with whom he still associates.

Thank you for that final comment.

Well, thank you for ALL the comments. Really, I do appreciate it. I consider what I post to the internet to only be edited first drafts, so accept that revision/correction could be necessary before I do anything more with the stories. I hope that you continue to read, and share. Thank you again.

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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   September 15th 2008, 9:24 pm

Hello TerishD, I'm already impressed seeing that you're posting whole chapters. Personally, I always find myself writing a couple scenes and calling it quits so great job. My compliments to a task that is not easily accomplished.

So far I've only read chapter one, part one. When I have a little more time I'm going to read part two but here are my thoughts so far. I'm going to try not to repeat anything that was previously posted.


To begin, all I can say is location, location, location. Establishing a location is essential otherwise your reader is left to drift. In the opening Thaunya is dancing, and I assume a dance studio but then again, her husband is down the hall in the kitchen so she may be in the living room. Where is she?

Second, the word "did" gets distracting. In the first paragraph alone, I counted out four. Try not to rely so heavily on it.

And third, I know that other members have touched on the dialogue, but I wanted to elaborate on what I am looking for specifically as a reader. The first thing I'm looking for is a visual image. Although the dialogue is emotional, and it's easy to read the importance of the discussion, I want to see it too. Is Thaunya pacing? Is she nervously twitching her hands? Does Chorrik look as serious as he sounds?

Second point concerning the dialogue is that it offers so much information, it wouldn't hurt to clearify some of the discussion. I know you can't tell your readers everything in the first few pages, but you have to make sure there is no confusion over the details they do get. At some points I felt like I missed something, that I misread something. It's better to offer no information than information that is so vague that the reader is confused.

Here are some of the questions I had reading the dialogue:

"They will be coming for me, and I don't believe we are ready to make a decision."
~What decision?

"Why would they send him here, like that?"
~Who is they?


"I have never been beyond our dimension, Thaunya. I will follow and support you, but you will have to lead."

"You are the damn reason I was sent on those missions, Chorrik. Are you going to again succumb to other powers?"

"Thaunya… damn. The council will have to come to a decision. What stand do you want me to make?"


~This whole segment leads to more questions without offering any answers. Why did she go to other dimensions? What does he mean by leading? Why was he the reason for the missions? What powers? Whose powers? What decision? What stand?

Now, I'm not saying answer every question but without some answers it's hard to be motivated to continue reading.

Now, I don't want to leave only pointing out areas I had troubles with because considering how large a task it is to introduce the reader to not only a cast of characters, but a fantastic new world, your first draft is really well thought out. I love that you dig right into the meat of the story right off. That certainly sets the hurried and frantic pace that Thaunya no doubt must be feeling.

I look forward to reading more.

~New York Bum
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PostSubject: Reply   September 15th 2008, 11:40 pm

deathbypen wrote:
To begin, all I can say is location, location, location. Establishing a location is essential otherwise your reader is left to drift. In the opening Thaunya is dancing, and I assume a dance studio but then again, her husband is down the hall in the kitchen so she may be in the living room. Where is she?
You are correct. While it is better to get to the action first, at some point I should have clearly set the location. You got me, and I apologize.

deathbypen wrote:
Second, the word "did" gets distracting. In the first paragraph alone, I counted out four. Try not to rely so heavily on it.
Ack! I apologize again.

deathbypen wrote:
And third, I know that other members have touched on the dialogue, but I wanted to elaborate on what I am looking for specifically as a reader. The first thing I'm looking for is a visual image. Although the dialogue is emotional, and it's easy to read the importance of the discussion, I want to see it too. Is Thaunya pacing? Is she nervously twitching her hands? Does Chorrik look as serious as he sounds?
No, I am not going to bother with stage directions. If the emotion is there, good (and I thank you for the compliment). This is where I stand firm against the 'show' people. I read their books, and get insulted by their childish demonstrations - and then get annoyed as they are repeated throughout the books. Most behavior by people is minor. If there are overt signs that help set the tone or place, then I do work to state them, but otherwise focus on the presentation without distracting or redundant other 'explanations.' You said that the emotion was there - BAM! I thank you again for the compliment and say that I did my job.

deathbypen wrote:
Second point concerning the dialogue is that it offers so much information, it wouldn't hurt to clearify some of the discussion. I know you can't tell your readers everything in the first few pages, but you have to make sure there is no confusion over the details they do get. At some points I felt like I missed something, that I misread something. It's better to offer no information than information that is so vague that the reader is confused.
That is one of the things that I am looking for in comments. I know that a reader, especially a new reader, will be slightly lost. I know the past stories well, although I do try to drop in necessary details. I expect comments by the Anne Rice crowd (those that desire CHAPTERS of backstory in each new book), but I look for little 'confused' notations by others letting me know that a little more detail is actually necessary.

Note however that I lose readers with completely new stories as well. I like slamming my readers (and myself) into completely fleshed out worlds with people and places never encountered. I don't like the feeling of the world being colorized before me with the actors only recently having been given their lines, but I expect to enter a color world that has citizens very comfortable in their roles. I obey a rule of Zelazney, "Start the story as close to the end as possible." I thus don't waste time with introductions, but let the reader (and myself) know that things are already moving, so take the details as they come whle running along. I like those type of stories and write those type of stories. Such might be why I don't like modern writing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some of the questions I had reading the dialogue:

"They will be coming for me, and I don't believe we are ready to make a decision."
~What decision?

"Why would they send him here, like that?"
~Who is they?

You are correct, THEY is not said. In fact, THEY is used to refer to different groups. I at first believed it to be slightly mysterious, but I am now thinking that it is vague - especially given that Thaunya attempts other clarifying points with her husband (see my response to alexandra). I thus will grant you a point.

"I have never been beyond our dimension, Thaunya. I will follow and support you, but you will have to lead."

"You are the damn reason I was sent on those missions, Chorrik. Are you going to again succumb to other powers?"

"Thaunya… damn. The council will have to come to a decision. What stand do you want me to make?"


~This whole segment leads to more questions without offering any answers. Why did she go to other dimensions? What does he mean by leading? Why was he the reason for the missions? What powers? Whose powers? What decision? What stand?
These are references to the previous stories. The reason that I didn't explain was that I would have had to use space to detail the previous stories and then detail the manipulations of the council. I do not want to do that at the beginning. Plus, the council has only been minor plot device up to now. This is the story where those of the council finally get their true starring roles. I am thus saving the history as I present the council, not only to introduce their value, but to set their value for this story. Such is my decision, and at the moment I still consider it wise (later comments as you gain evidence to speak against me could force me to change my mind).

Thank you for your comments. They were appreciated.

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Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Land of Immortals - Chapter One   September 16th 2008, 11:37 am

I will consciously try to keep your style in mind TerishD. As you put it, I follow the Anne Rice crowd and have the mindset that more description is better. What I'll try to do is only comment on description if I feel it would benefit the reader without compromising your style.

Now, I finally read part two. The first line I'd like to comment on is this one: "The room was not completely dark, so Venicht was able to see his way around..." I have to admit your sentence structure is winning me over because at first I found it a little odd. For example, instead of saying "Wood stands" you'd write "stands of wood." Instead of "She had short hair" you write "Her hair was not long." Which brings me back to the orginal sentence. Instead of a "poorly lit room" you write that. I don't know if you're conciously writing the sentences that way, but it's very unique. If it's not something you're mindful of, then try to be because it's a style element that can really set your writing apart. As I was reading, I actually found myself looking for more unique sentences.

I know you're not a big fan of pages of description, but I think having a couple of "he said" "she said" in the dialogue would make it easier for the reader. I'm not going to copy and paste the whole dialogue to make this point, but there are sections where the dialogue bounces back and forth for a considerable amount of time without any cues. While reading, I had to reread to make sure I was reading what the right person was saying.

As a parting comment, I love the character names. Next time I come up with a fantasy story, you'll have to hook me up.


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PostSubject: Reply   September 16th 2008, 1:39 pm

Thank you again. I also want to compliment for accepting a different style. I remember when music and writers had their own presentation. Now only their voices or topics are different, but the formats are the same. I get bored.

Let me speak on the He said/she said angle.

1) I never liked it. It was while reading "The Book of Three" to my girls that I really DETESTED it. Even very young, they knew after one person spoke that the next speaker would be next (and my voices while reading emphasized such). We laughed and laughed as I kept saying 'so-and-so SAID.'

2) I get annoyed at my students that cannot follow a simple discussion. THEY ask a question, I answer, then THEY ask me what I am talking about. I suddenly go into lecture mode.

3) If TWO people are talking, then when one finishes, who ELSE is there to speak? I admit that if a speaker goes into a second paragraph, then things might get confusing. In a normal quick conversation however, why should there be a need to waste words (and insult the intelligence of my readers) by constantly saying who is speaking? It spoils spacing and is demeaning to the reader. The mass publishers might be writing for idiots, but I am not.

Now, about names:

1) I tell everyone that asks that names are an indication of history. If I am reading about a different world, I should NOT see names such as John, Darien, April, Samantha, etc. I use different names stressing to my readers that they are somewhere else.

2) It is not the name that makes a character, but what the character does. Conan was not a great name until Burroughs created a character that MADE it a great name. Frankenstein was not a name of horror until Shelley MADE it a name of disgust. I thus toss out syllables without concern, but then work to MAKE those syllables important.

Again, thanks. Your comments are VERY appreciated.

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