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Poll
Is the phrase "Once upon a time..."
Overused
33%
 33% [ 1 ]
Underused
67%
 67% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 3
Monthly Writing Prompt
For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

The streets were deserted. Where was everyone? Where had they all gone?

Writing Tip
Our monthly writing tips are written by our very own TerishD. You can read more in Terish's Blog located in "The Abstractions" area of the forum.

Look Back

When not able to write ahead, it helps to look back. In my case I had written a paragraph ahead of the story. What I needed to do was add a section of exposition (talking) presenting some facts. In going back, I realized that I could insert a section where a 'tour' of the surroundings could be done. This allowed for character interaction, story development, and other things that enabled me to present the facts in an entertaining manner.

One should not face a writer's block with the mentality of bursting through it. I have found in my own experience that a writer's block is usually due to my mind indicating that it has a problem in 'channeling' the story. One reason might be a re-imagining of certain story points. Another reason however is that there is a problem in where you are at in the story, so you need to look back and find out the problem with the 'journey' that prevents the tale from advancing.

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 Crawling to the Top

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Phalen Schuyler


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Female
Number of posts : 27
Age : 26
Location : Clarksville, MD
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-07-18

PostSubject: Crawling to the Top   August 20th 2008, 9:40 pm

I can see the fire flickering in there
I watched the temperature lower everyday
And the thinnest sliver of a flame
All of my problems seem to blame themselves on you
It's the same with you too
When I'm lying to you I always feel good
I always look forward to the times when you're not here
When you are you can always see the disappointment on my face
Cruel words just take away the ghosts of smiles on our faces
That were never really there

Now I wish I could leave
You're watching all of me
Every single move that I make
Maybe all we need is just a breather
I'm crawling to the top
Slow and steady wins the race
Isn't that the way it's supposed to be
I wish I could leave

Watching me
Everyday I know I'm falling further down that hill
That mountain
My own Mt. Everest
You know I walk just for me
I don't really do anything for you
I know that you can see and I know that you know
Even as you leave for work right now
Now I wish I could leave
You're watching all of me
Every single move that I make
Is a problem to you
Maybe all we need is just a breather
I'm crawling to the top
But you keep throwing those rocks
Nothing's going back to the way it was
It's hard for me

I wish you would leave
You're watching me
I'm crawling to the top
You're throwing heavy rocks
From the top of this mountain that you stand
On and on
Nothing's going back to the way it was
Can't someone cry for me?
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Chrome


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Female
Number of posts : 63
Age : 25
Location : Lahore, PK
Registration date : 2008-08-26

PostSubject: Re: Crawling to the Top   August 30th 2008, 5:07 pm

I can see the fire flickering in there
I watched the temperature lower everyday
And the thinnest sliver of a flame
All of my problems seem to blame themselves on you
It's the same with you too
When I'm lying to you I always feel good
I always look forward to the times when you're not here
When you are you can always see the disappointment on my face
Cruel words just take away the ghosts of smiles on our faces
That were never really there


The stanza is beautiful in the start, but I think you break the flow by superfluous verses. It makes them long, and IMO, the flow is disrupted. Consider for:
I always look forward to the times when you're not here
When you are you can always see the disappointment on my face

You could also say:
I look forward to your absence
Seeing you only brings disappointments

Or whatever.

Watching me
Everyday I know I'm falling further down that hill
That mountain
My own Mt. Everest
You know I walk just for me
I don't really do anything for you
I know that you can see and I know that you know
Even as you leave for work right now
Now I wish I could leave
You're watching all of me
Every single move that I make
Is a problem to you
Maybe all we need is just a breather
I'm crawling to the top
But you keep throwing those rocks
Nothing's going back to the way it was
It's hard for me


Too superfluous, IMO. You could say all of it in half the number of verses. Either add variety or reduce your verses.

I wish you would leave
You're watching me
I'm crawling to the top
You're throwing heavy rocks
From the top of this mountain that you stand
On and on
Nothing's going back to the way it was
Can't someone cry for me?


*Cough* *Cough* I don't know, but it seems almost amusing rather than poignant.

Overall, you picked a great start and the chorus is also fulfilling. Remember, this is my opinion and not the final verdict on your writing, so don't take it on heart. Use what you think is valid. ^^
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