PortalHomeGalleryFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in
Log in
Log in automatically: 
:: I forgot my password
Is the phrase "Once upon a time..."
 33% [ 1 ]
 67% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 3
Monthly Writing Prompt
For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

The streets were deserted. Where was everyone? Where had they all gone?

Writing Tip
Our monthly writing tips are written by our very own TerishD. You can read more in Terish's Blog located in "The Abstractions" area of the forum.

Look Back

When not able to write ahead, it helps to look back. In my case I had written a paragraph ahead of the story. What I needed to do was add a section of exposition (talking) presenting some facts. In going back, I realized that I could insert a section where a 'tour' of the surroundings could be done. This allowed for character interaction, story development, and other things that enabled me to present the facts in an entertaining manner.

One should not face a writer's block with the mentality of bursting through it. I have found in my own experience that a writer's block is usually due to my mind indicating that it has a problem in 'channeling' the story. One reason might be a re-imagining of certain story points. Another reason however is that there is a problem in where you are at in the story, so you need to look back and find out the problem with the 'journey' that prevents the tale from advancing.

Latest topics
» All Problems Have a Cause - Part 3 (13 - 18)
Yesterday at 7:53 am by TerishD

» All Problems Have a Cause - Part 2 (7 - 12)
June 19th 2018, 7:43 am by TerishD

» the sex life
June 7th 2018, 6:29 am by oskar

» yesterday's time
June 6th 2018, 8:52 am by oskar

» multiracial
June 5th 2018, 4:48 pm by oskar

Top posters
oskar (2320)
TerishD (1287)
HYdraMStar (1170)
Kellycakes (1136)
Snacker (818)
Urs (569)
fleamailman (400)
Leaka (334)
JuJu (287)
alexandra (198)

Share | 

 Jimmy's Song- Freaky's Good (Random Chapter)

Go down 
Phalen Schuyler


Number of posts : 27
Age : 27
Location : Clarksville, MD
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-07-18

PostSubject: Jimmy's Song- Freaky's Good (Random Chapter)   August 21st 2008, 6:20 pm

"Did you water the plant in the office?" Mom asks. I groan.
"No, I forgot."
"Camille! the plant is dying. You can't just only water the plants that you want to.
"I know that. Do you think I did it on purpose? Anyways, it's just one plant."
"Did you water the airplane plant in the bathroom?"
"I didn't even know that there was a plant in the bathroom!" I'm getting really annoyed right now.
"We've had a plant in the bathroom ever since we moved here. You know that we have one."
"Yeah, and we moved here just two months ago! I don't even use the guest bathroom!"
"Don't start with me!" Mom's voice is cross. I glare at her.
"I'm just stating the obvious." I turn on my heel and leave the house, banging the screen door behind me. I can hear her voice calling after me as I walk away, growing faint all the while, but I ignore it.

I notice that Giant is busier than usual when I enter the store. People bustle past me in a frenzy, pushing shopping carts and swinging bright blue plastics bags. One guy nearly hits me in the face and I glare at him until he gives me a sheepish smile. I head straight for the middle of the store where they occasionally have C.D.'s and D.V.D.'s on sale. I smile when I see the rows of C.D.'s and head straight for them, passing a group of guys and a girl on my way. I can feel eyes burning into my back as I scan the artists, but I ignore them. I've found Breaking Benjamin, Flyleaf, and Staind, and only when I finally find Green Day do I finally notice one of the guys standing next to me, sifting through the C.D.'s and occasionally sneaking a glance at me. I roll my eyes and turn my full attention to him. "If you want to talk to me, then do it." He doesn't smile sheepishly like the guy earlier, but instead stops pretending to be interested in the C.D.'s. "You've got freaky eyes." He says, and a sharp needle of pain pierces my heart. I turn away from him. "Is that what you came over here to say?" I retort bitterly, thumbing through the C.D.'s again.
"No, actually. I just say everything that's on my mind."
"You're lucky that I don't." I snap back at him, expecting a grimace in return. His expression never changes.
"I like them." He says, which is the last thing I've expected him to say. I'm startled. So startled, that my hands stop moving and I turn to face him again. "Why?" I ask, noting that once again, his expression never changes. It's only now that I take in his full appearance; tight long-sleeved bright blue shirt with tight black jeans and black converses. His white blonde hair falls into his eyes, which are a dark blue. "Because they're freaky. They'd match my shirt if they were blue, but they're green, so they're freaky". I stare at him, not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. I glance over his shoulder, where the girl and the guys are waiting somewhat impatiently. The girl with them is pretty, with long blond hair and light blue eyes circled darkly in black eyeliner. Her glare is enough for me to turn away. "Your girlfriend looks upset." I say, to break the akward silence. The guy doesn't even flinch. "Jayla's not my girlfriend." I can't help but feel relieved right now for some reason that I can't explain.
"Well, whatever she is, she's waiting for you."
His voice takes on an amused edge. "If you want me to leave, then just tell me." I don't say anything in return, and he finally smiles, looking satisfied. I grab the C.D.'s and walk on down the aisle, slipping into the next one. I look back to see if he's following me, and there he is, hands in his pockets, strolling after me. I ignore him as I inspect the different eyeliners and mascaras. He doesn't say anything, but after a few moment's inspection of the display takes some things off of one of the racks and hands them to me. I look at the eyeliner and the mascara and note that they're green. When I turn to look at him he stares back at me. "Green for freaky green eyes." I hold onto the makeup as we walk through the store. It's only when I buy all of my stuff that he introduces himself. "The name's Simmy. Simmy Tripp." He pauses, and then I realize that he's waiting for me to tell him my name. "I'm Camille Jefferson." He doesn't extend his hand for me to shake, just smiles.
"Nice to meet you, Freaky Jefferson." I can feel my face fall as he addresses me. "Freaky's good." He whispers in my ear as he goes to join his group again. As I smile I can see the girl named Jayla scowl and herd the rest of them out of the store.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.writerscafe.org/writers/PhalenSchuyler/


Number of posts : 1287
Age : 58
Location : Ringgold, Louisiana
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-07-21

PostSubject: Reply   August 22nd 2008, 6:01 pm

PAST TENSE! Please, past tense. I once read an entire novel in present tense, and it really soured what was otherwise a rather good tale. I won't go on my rant about why past tense, because it would make my reply longer than your post.

You do tend to have a good character here, but the setting does not support her. I cannot determine if she is rebellious or not. I cannot determine if she is accepted by her peers or not. What is presented has contrasting values. More work and depth could bring out some deeper character and help add substance. Just tossing out this little bit I believe does the lady an injustice.

Fantasy puts more requirements on the writer than any other fiction, because the world must be made as real before anything else can be real.
Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.terishd.com
Jimmy's Song- Freaky's Good (Random Chapter)
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
» Is this a good opening chapter for a thriller?
» After chapter 647, is Shikamaru gone for good or can he still be saved?
» Good, successful writer websites?
» Mai-Otome Episode 22: Song of Destruction
» Late 80's Rap Song Parody

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
 :: The Pennings (Writer's Forum) :: The Scrawler's Workplace-
Jump to: