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 More than Cakes - A short story.

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alexandra


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PostSubject: More than Cakes - A short story.   August 23rd 2008, 12:34 pm

After playing in the locker room with this make a short story or whatever with 3 given words, I had a loose paragraph, so I turned that into a story today, (can’t have a loose paragraph doing nothing in my computer, I’ve got to get it working!)

So let’s see what you think of it. Feel free



NOTE: AFTER COMMENTS I'VE DONE SOME AMMENDMENTS. SO I'VE EDITED THE POST. THE STORY HAS NOW 1210 WORDS INSTEAD OF 1067 WORDS) THANKS FOR PATIENCE

More than cakes
By Alexandra Riera
2008 Alexandra Riera



Marianne felt compelled to travel the world after she had met that man at the bar the previous night. She had only gone in for a quick drink and a chat with her friend Christine. As Marianne waited for Christine to turn up, the man kept staring at her every time he turned around from that bar stool he was sitting on. Marianne wondered why he got away with smoking in the place, there were signs that clearly pointed to even the most stupid person in the whole world that smoking was totally forbidden in the place. Perhaps that man was the owner, she had thought; but even owners had to follow the law. Fed up with the staring and also with the smell of the cigar the man was emanating from his huge cigar, she went over to him.

“What’s up with you mister?”

The man blew the smoke he had obviously been holding in away from her face and made a show of it by making circles. “mmm” he said as he looked her up and down. “Do you come here often? No, of course you don’t. This is the first time I see you here.”

“Excuse me?” asked Marianne.

“Don’t pretend to be deaf Marianne; I’ve seen you tapping your fingers to the rhythm of the music while you waited for your Christine.”

“How do you know?” Asked Marianne who was now beginning to look around in a panic.

“I’m Christine’s pimp.”

Marianne simply froze. As far as she knew Christine wasn’t into that, she worked with her at the bakery and they had been friends for the past year, ever since they met at the bakery. Christine hadn’t worked in her whole life before; she had been a rich spoiled brat that had always had her parents at her beck and call until one day, her father threw her out of the house and told her to get a life. He stopped giving her money and she had to find a job. Marianne recalled how at first, Christine was a bit on the shy side and how Marianne did her best to help her friend over come her shyness by getting to know the members of the opposite sex by coaxing her into going out to different pubs and bars and sometimes even to parties. That had been difficult for the past three months at best of times as Christine was always reading financial newspapers and always talking about the stock exchange. She kept saying she needed to make her own money. Perhaps she had been doing too much of a good job, she wondered.

“I’ve heard a lot about you.” The man said.

Marianne regained her composure and took the stool next to the man as she looked around and made sure the bar was still full of people. “So,” she said, “what have you heard about me?”

“… that you’re not happy with your life, that you want a change.”

“Yes, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean….”

“I know, I know,” interrupted the man, “that doesn’t mean you want a part time job for extra income, I know that…”

“No, of course not” Answered Marianne now beginning to feel uneasy. Perhaps she shouldn’t have approached the man in the first place and she should have walked out of the bar; or better, she should have called Christine and found out why she was late. She put her bag on her lap and started rummaging in it trying to find her mobile phone.

“She’ll tell you she’s moved.” The man said.

“How did you know I was going to call her?”

“It’s only natural. Christine is your friend, you’ve arranged to meet here and instead of her, you find me here. If I were you I’d want to check if I’m telling the truth or not. Go on, go on; give her a call.”

Marianne found her mobile phone and dialled Christine’s number. Seconds later, Christine was on the line.

“Christine? Yes… I’m fine, yes.. Well, no; I’m not fine. Where the hell are you?” she shouted into the phone. “What? Argentina? But Why?? What are you doing there? Alright, I’ll shut up.”

Marianne listened intently to her friend and at the same time glanced at the man sitting next to her who was now lighting another cigar. Minutes later Marianne turned her phone off and put it back in her bag.

“See?” The man told her.

Marianne looked at the man, a mixture of wonder, fright and anger filled her. She was lost for words. She got off the stool.

“Before you leave…..”

Marianne lost it then, she picked up the glass that was on the bar and threw it at him and then turned to leave. She felt a restraining hand on her arm and she tried to break free. People in the bar were already staring and were waiting for something to happen. “Wait,” the man said softly. “Christine gave me this for you.” He pointed to a wooden box on the floor. Marianne stopped struggling.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a box and if you want to know…,” he said as he released her, “I don’t know what’s inside.” He bent down to get the box and then placed it on her stool. “Why don’t you open it?”

Marianne felt the edges of the box, trying to see what was inside as she were psychic but couldn’t feel anything at all to her frustration. She flipped the lid open. Inside there was a little black bag and a note. She picked up the note and read it.

Hello Marianne,

You’ve been a great friend; you’ve helped me get out of my shell and thanks to you I’ve discovered that life has much more to it than what a bakery has and that I can do anything by myself. After sharing your dreams with me and helping me discover mine I’ve decided to actually go and do something about mine.

By the time you get this I will be miles away and hopefully Alvaro will have given you this box. I trust him with my life, he’s my father and I love him even though he’s a bit of a prankster. I left bonds and cash in that bag for you so that you too can follow your dreams. The bakery was fun but as you used to say… There’s more to life than cakes.”


Marianne finished reading the letter and looked inside the little bag. Yes, all was there. “Alvaro?” she asked the man.

“Yes?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were Christine’s father?”

“Oh, well, a bit of fun never hurt anyone.” He said as he laughed. “Would you like a drink?”

“No, thanks Alvaro; I think I’ll just go home.”

Just as Marianne was leaving the bar, two policemen walked in… “Smoking has been reported here…” she heard them say as the door closed behind her. That Alvaro was going to get fined, she laughed.


The following morning, Marianne packed her cat in her rucksack and Christine’s little black bag together with her the letter and her sleeping bag and she was now on the move. She stuffed her purse and her credit card in her pockets and left the house.




The end
(1210 Words)

© 2008 Alexandra Riera
August 23rd - 2008


Last edited by alexandra on August 25th 2008, 12:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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TerishD


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PostSubject: Reply   August 23rd 2008, 7:36 pm

And where did the wealth come from? It is a cute story, but that glaring omission really spoiled my desire to believe in the ending. Oh, and since the man was not the owner or a high-profile pimp, why didn't the employees of the bar stop the man from smoking?

The story does have a good punch and ends with some spirit still active. The characters come acros quickly and do not stretch the setting. I thus enjoyed reading it, but the two questions above had me feeling disappointed at the end.

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Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Re: More than Cakes - A short story.   August 24th 2008, 4:01 pm

oops! important questions! the answers were in my mind... the father was really a wealthy business man who had originally cut off Christine to make her see the hard part of life on her own and also to learn to be a bit more assertive. That man is also supposed to be the owner of the bar and is allowed to break the rule...

I should have the police arrest him.... I'm going to have to do that now.....



I know exactly where I'll add the explanatory note and also where he gets arrested. I'll do that in the morning before I start on another one. If I'm not wrong I can eddit the original post, right?


thanks a bunch!
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PostSubject: Re: More than Cakes - A short story.   August 25th 2008, 12:16 pm

OK... Thanks .... I've gone over the missing bits in the story and I think this time it's all included without having had to add lots more words. (I hope)
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PostSubject: Reply   August 25th 2008, 1:23 pm

No complaints. I thought it was a cute story, but now is a cute story without problems. By the way, let me compliment you on fixing it. It shows that you are concerned about your writing. I consider that an admirable trait.

Thanks for sharing.

_________________
Fantasy puts more requirements on the writer than any other fiction, because the world must be made as real before anything else can be real.
Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Re: More than Cakes - A short story.   August 25th 2008, 4:59 pm

thanks! Now I can think about another one... the next one will have something to do with buddists (I'm sure it's spelt wrong! sorry)

I should also think about the Herald competition story, the limit is 8000 words, gosh, the longest of mine is about 2700! brrrrr! hahahaha not that I'll win, they're very strict! hahaha
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PostSubject: Re: More than Cakes - A short story.   August 28th 2008, 10:52 am

I read the edited version and I love it. Think the story is very cute, and though the characters aren't introduced fully, or we don't get to know much about them, we at least get the overview of who is who.....which is pretty ok for a short story, I think.
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alexandra


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PostSubject: Re: More than Cakes - A short story.   August 31st 2008, 8:30 am

thanks Whitenart,

so.... should characters have a bigger indepth thing in short stories? mmmm I think that if I go too much into description then the story gets to be very long...and then it's no longer a short story but a mini novel....

of course I'm not saying how this should be as I haven't got a clue, I just write and enjoy my own stories, I suppose that's like laughing at my own jokes.
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PostSubject: Re: More than Cakes - A short story.   September 9th 2008, 7:30 am

I think the story is really interesting and compelling. Though, I think that it could've been explained further, but that's probably just me being silly. :P The edited version is great, with a few grammar kinks. I think you can handle that part, though.
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PostSubject: Re: More than Cakes - A short story.   September 10th 2008, 2:56 am

ooooo! grammar links! Panic! panic! where's the panic button?
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