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 Nightime Natural[Mild language, warning]

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Leaka


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PostSubject: Nightime Natural[Mild language, warning]   September 25th 2008, 6:22 pm

Okay, this is my story Nightime Natural, and Nightime Natural is about a government branched called Nightime Natural and they all have super powers and what not.
I think the first chapter is really messy and really messed up and I need help making things a little better.

Nighttime Natural
Chpt 1
Today was another moonlit night, but unlike every moonlit night this night was almost quiet. The moon shown most brightly in the garden of the mansion. The garden itself was dead with trees that no longer bloomed, grass that was no longer green, and tombstones of the previous owners all lined up in a row. Also there were fresh donations to the grass. Men of all ages and even woman of all ages on the ground watered the grass with their blood. Their guns were everywhere. Even inside the old Victorian mansion the old furniture was covered in bullet holes, knife slashes, bodies, and blood. The Victorian carpet once impressive for it's new look was no longer alive. Upstairs the massacre continued and yet, in one room there was still a struggle for life.
Four people were in one room. Two were high schoolers who never got to their senior year, one of them a freshman in college, and the other was an actress of low fame and wealth.
The freshman in college lay on the bed blood slipping through his fingers, but it wasn't his blood. He looked at the high schooler who lay on the bed. He was seriously injured as he spilled out more and more blood out of his abdomen. Blood was slipping from his mouth as well. He was trying to stay alive, his hazel eyes reflected the fear of death. He wasn't even complete in his education, there was so much he needed to do.
“Hey, Lyrico stay with us now don't lose this battle...a helicopter will be coming soon,” said the college student.
“Why don't we just let him die?” said the actress lighting a cigarette for herself.
“I'm not letting Lyrico die,” the college student said.
“Why do you even care this is our second mission together?” she said.
“Because I liked him,” the college student said.
The one who stood in the corner of the room finally came out. She was worried and she wanted to cry so she had hidden from the other two until she could gain composure. She went to the same school as Lyrico and just like the other students she had never payed much attention to him. Now that he was dieing in front of her she felt a sort of guilt.
“Violet shut your mouth...Don is there anything I can help with?” she asked.
“Thank you Kilia...and could you talk to Lyrico?” Don asked.

Kilia thought it was weird to sit next to a really muscular man. Especially the kind who knew they were powerful. Don wore a black muscle shirt and some black fatigues with combat boots. Lyrico was slightly thin and he wore a button down short sleeve shirt and some black fatigues. Kilia wore a black tank top and black fatigues.
Violet wore a white tank top and black fatigues.
“Lyrico, what is your favorite color?” Kilia asked.
“I....,” Lyrico tried to reply, but blood spilled out of his mouth.
“Lyrico don't waster you energy on answering,” Don said.
Don glanced at Kilia. Kilia mouthed Sorry.
“Lyrico I have to get this off my chest...I'm sorry for the way I treated you at school, I was a jerk like the rest of the kids and I should have had more class...I hope you forgive me,” Kilia said fixing her short red hair.
Lyrico smiled at her as if her forgave her at that moment. Then the door opened, which startled all of them. A man with toned muscles who wasn't to thin, but wasn't to muscular walked in. He wore a long white tank top, black fatigues, and he had pale skin a contrast to Don's dark skin. His shoulder had blood on it, but other then that he appeared fine.
“How is he?” he asked.
“Shit! You really scared us,” Violet said.
“Sorry,” he said.
“You should be sorry Relic,” Violet said.
“I was on look out for a while...heard on the radio that the helicopter should be here in five minutes,”
“Lyrico you only have to last five minutes,” Don said.
“You have to make it,” Kilia said.
“To bad all of you won't last five minutes,” said a rich and silky voice.
Out of the shadows came a men in a gray trench coat, with a gray mask that covered his face the strings had found itself in his skin as if the mask was alive, he had silver eyes, and shoulder length stylized black hair. The ends of his edgy haircut were as if the hair itself was alive. His skin was pale almost the color of a dead persons skin, but his skin seemed perfect.
“Who the fuck are you!” Violet asked.
“Please don't be rude to me...you broke rule number one you should treat me with more respect,” he said.

The door busted open and two others walked in. A skinny young man who wore a baggy t-shirt and some baggy khaki pants. A woman with large breast and wore a black leather jumpsuit with her breast jutting out.
“Maxus, honey I missed you,” she said with a smiled a flip of her red hair.
Don ripped off his mask and a face of an older man in his thirties appeared. Maxus smiled.
“My dear Jade here I am,” Maxus said with a clever smile.
Violet made a reckless moved and charged in with her knife to the man with the trench coat. He grabbed her wrist and if you could see his pale dead lips he surely was smirking. They heard a loud crack as the bones of her arm broke.
Violet screamed loudly.
“If they scream it means they haven't lost hope,” he said.
Maxus took out his gun and pointed it towards Kilia. Maxus's hand was still on the wound of Lyrico.
“Aren't you going to kill him as well?” Kilia asked.
“No,” Maxus said firing the gun.
The bullet whizzed pass Kilia and shot Relic in the head. Relic fell down on the ground.
“Nice shot,” the skinny young man said.
“Thanks Nei,” Maxus said, “Aki are you going to continue playing with her?”
“I was growing bored of her anyway,” Aki said.
Aki smiled at the woman and let go of her wrist. The woman thought she was free and began to run for it. Then she heard a crack throughout her whole body. Her body began to contort in weird ways. The pain was like fire being shot throughout her body. She began to scream and her face wore the expression of losing her mind.
“Next time treat me with more respect,” Aki said gruffly.
Kilia looked at them they hadn't touched her or Lyrico.
“Who are you people?” she asked.
“Nighttime Natural,” Maxus replied, “We aren't going to hurt you...those people though would have...I killed Don before he met up with you guys.”
“Nighttime Natural, that sounds familiar,” Kilia said.
“That is because it's one of the divisions of the army...you're from Morning Sun aren't you?”
“Yes,”
“Morning Sun doesn't deal with the problems we do...they don't know about the chemical warfare going on, but it makes me wonder why Morning Sun has someone like Lyrico in their group,” Maxus paused, “Or why they would put two of their soldiers in danger just to contact us.”
“He is like us?” Nei asked.
“Yes,” Jade said walking over to Lyrico's bedside.
“Is he alive?” Aki asked.
“Barely...he is fading quickly,” Maxus said.
“What about the helicopter in five minutes?” Kilia asked.
“Two minutes actually...the helicopter that “Don” called was myself and I called a helicopter from our side,”
Aki walked over to the Kilia and Lyrico.
“I hate to do this at a time like...who I am I kidding I like doing it at the worse time possible,” Aki said, “Welcome to Nighttime Natural.”
“What do you mean?!” Kilia said.
“Exactly what it means...take your badges,” Aki paused, “You'll hold on to his won't you?”
“Yes,”
“Wow, Aki you have never been in a giving mood before...or a generous mood or even a caring mood what makes this occasion different?” Maxus asked.
“Nothing I could care less,” Aki said handing Kilia her badge.
“What about Lyrico's badge?” she asked.
“Oh, right almost forgot there,”

Aki through Lyrico's badge on Lyrico making sure it was as close to the wound as possible. Kilia glared at Aki and all Aki did was smirk inside his mask. Jade came closer the bedside.
“It looks like a gun and stab wound,” Jade said.
“That is because it is,” Maxus said.
“How does that work?” Nei asked.
“I have never seen anyone fight the way he does...it's like his blood isn't blood, but some sort of physical manifestation itself,”
“Great he controls his blood and I supposing he does it like a savage,”
“Actually it was the weirdest thing I ever saw...”
A sound of a bullet falling from the ground cut Maxus off. Relic had gotten up and the bullet wound on his head was no more. It was like he never got shot in the first place. He smiled.
“I can't wait to tell the boss this,”
Relic was turned and was about to make a run from it when a red crystal stabbed him through the heart. The crystal was nothing they had ever seen. The crystal emitted cold air almost like a piece of ice. If you looked closer you could see the tiny crystals inside the bigger crystal compacting together. The red crystal was alive. Then the crystal turned into a red liquid some spilling on the floor. Lyrico coughed out more blood. Aki looked at Maxus. Nei looked at Jade.
“What the fuck was that?” Nei asked.
“A blood ice crystal or something along the lines,” Maxus replied.
Kilia looked at Lyrico.
“Lyrico hang in there,” Kilia said.
“I wonder where my cute girl who rubs my back and tells me to hang on is,” Aki said, “He is bleeding from the mouth maybe once in his life...and I bleed from mouth everyday of my life.”
“Hang in there Aki,” Maxus said fluttering his eyelashes.
“You are the ugliest woman I have seen,” Aki said, “And they pay you to be my personal kiss my ass, ass kisser...yet they never gave you enough to actually fix that ugly face of yours.”
“Yours truly,” Maxus said.
Maxus put his fingers to his lips. They all listened and heard the fluttering of the helicopter.
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PostSubject: Reply   September 25th 2008, 9:42 pm

Ack - Okay, let me keep the notes simple -

1) Put a page break between paragraphs (block paragraph style). Tabs don't work in HTML. You thus need to reformat (I do it all the time, quick and easy).

2) Put the name of the speaker FIRST.
You can say - Tom said, "I will jump off the cliff first."
or - "I will jump off the cliff first," Tom said.
Oh, and if it is a question - use ASK.

3) Said, said, said, said, said. Gets redundant. Use other words (and most are more descriptive). Also, if only two speakers are speaking, when one stops - WHO ELSE COULD SPEAK? Don't insult the intelligence of your reader, but just close quotation and move on.

4) PAYED? Did you use a word processor (you know, spell check)? It is PAID.

5) DIEING? You didn't use spell check, did you (and here we are in the 21st century)? It is DYING.

6) WASTER? See above. This was probably an honest mistake, but again spell check would have flagged it for you.

7) 'Don glanced at Kilia. Kilia mouthed Sorry.'
Use single quotes around 'Sorry.' It is a quote, just not spoken.

8) 'with toned muscles who wasn't to thin' TOO

9) 'but other then that' THAN

Stopped reading about there. Truthfully, it is a good scene, so work on it. I like super-hero stories (what readers I have really don't like them, but I play with them occasionally). You need more description and a better presentation of the scenes. There does seem to be good action and characters, so work on your writing talents to help you present your ideas.

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Leaka


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PostSubject: Re: Nightime Natural[Mild language, warning]   September 25th 2008, 10:59 pm

TerishD wrote:
Ack - Okay, let me keep the notes simple -

1) Put a page break between paragraphs (block paragraph style). Tabs don't work in HTML. You thus need to reformat (I do it all the time, quick and easy).

2) Put the name of the speaker FIRST.
You can say - Tom said, "I will jump off the cliff first."
or - "I will jump off the cliff first," Tom said.
Oh, and if it is a question - use ASK.

3) Said, said, said, said, said. Gets redundant. Use other words (and most are more descriptive). Also, if only two speakers are speaking, when one stops - WHO ELSE COULD SPEAK? Don't insult the intelligence of your reader, but just close quotation and move on.

4) PAYED? Did you use a word processor (you know, spell check)? It is PAID.

5) DIEING? You didn't use spell check, did you (and here we are in the 21st century)? It is DYING.

6) WASTER? See above. This was probably an honest mistake, but again spell check would have flagged it for you.

7) 'Don glanced at Kilia. Kilia mouthed Sorry.'
Use single quotes around 'Sorry.' It is a quote, just not spoken.

8) 'with toned muscles who wasn't to thin' TOO

9) 'but other then that' THAN

Stopped reading about there. Truthfully, it is a good scene, so work on it. I like super-hero stories (what readers I have really don't like them, but I play with them occasionally). You need more description and a better presentation of the scenes. There does seem to be good action and characters, so work on your writing talents to help you present your ideas.


You do realize this is a rough draft, so of course its not going to be as detailed. This is written of of pure idea. But I'm having trouble at the moment. I like to start of story with a more slow motion and then get it going. That is why I didn't start with action.
Um for the spelling, I did use spell checker, but um I have trouble catching every spelling mistake.
I mean I am in America, but English isn't my first language.
From what I was told on another writing site they said they didn't like ask, told, cried, whined, etc and that it looked unprofessional to see all of that.

Thank you for the criticism though. I appreciate it and I will work harder I promise. And I will take your words into my story.
I just had to add a little bit of what I was doing before you labeled me a bad writer or label me someone who is begining to write.
I've been writing since I was nine, just not in English.
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PostSubject: Re: Nightime Natural[Mild language, warning]   September 26th 2008, 5:17 am

Today was another moonlit night, but unlike every moonlit night this night was almost quiet. The moon shown most brightly in the garden of the mansion. The garden itself was dead with trees that no longer bloomed, grass that was no longer green, and tombstones of the previous owners all lined up in a row

Confusing - this was the start and I found it confusing.

Men of all ages and even woman of all ages on the ground watered the grass with their blood

Men and women = suggestion. Ref watered grass with their blood: How?

who wasn't to thin, but wasn't to muscular walked in.

too thin too muscular

Out of the shadows came a men

A man or some men?

half way through it I wanted to stop reading., I only carried on because I wanted to see if the text was a bit more explanatory but didn't really find it so..

the spelling mistakes is a big turn off, especially since spell check in word does most of the work... so it would be a good idea to check with spell checker before posting stories, poems etc...

sorry about messing up with the fonts sizes here... I just can't get it right right now...


Last edited by Snacker on September 26th 2008, 4:52 pm; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : HTML wasn't correct. Too much space between paragraphs!)
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PostSubject: Re: Nightime Natural[Mild language, warning]   September 26th 2008, 2:06 pm

I understand my rough draft is a bit confusing. Reading it now it seems a bit confusing to me as well.
But I really just have one question, how does someone not get watering the grass with their blood? Their people on the ground dying and blood is spilling out of them. How does someone not get that? I don't put that detail in my story, I don't need to explain everything, especially something as simple as that.

[Sorry, if it seems I'm being a little grrrr]
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PostSubject: Re: Nightime Natural[Mild language, warning]   September 26th 2008, 3:54 pm

well... they could have their blood stored in a can and be watering the grass...

I know it's a bit far fetched.... but I was wondering on the how, it was right at the beginning after all and these people suddently sprung up watering the grass with their blood....

no one else has said anything about it so it's just me... don't worry then
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PostSubject: Re: Nightime Natural[Mild language, warning]   September 26th 2008, 4:53 pm

I corrected the HTML in your post alexandra. Should be good now.

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