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 Scenes from Carlin's Toy {cotent}

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Lucky13




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PostSubject: Scenes from Carlin's Toy {cotent}   September 25th 2008, 10:18 pm

Carlin's Toy is the first part of my novel. What I'm really confuzzled over is whether or not these scenes are realistic or at least believable? ANd, if not, how can they be made so?

Actually, this is just the first scene, not the opening scene of the story, but if you think you can help by seeing more, then I'll post some.


This confident man, clean shaven and smiling, extends his hand towards me-

The image merges with the one currently facing me.

~*~
Carlin pulls back his hand, “What the hell do you mean your slut ass is pregnant?!” his beard stiffening up, his eyes ablaze as his hand makes contact with my face. I fall back on to the couch, knowing not to cry.

I want to remind him of what he did a few months back, but I won’t. “I’m four months pregnant with your son dammit.” I scream at him and try to stand up.

“Bull! You’re just trying to excuse yourself for being a fat lard assed pig!” He screams back as he places a hand around my neck and yanks me towards him. “Whose kid is it whore? I know you been cheatin’ on me!” His eyes bulge, the green starting to harden.

I claw at his grip, trying to fight him off. I manage to gasp, “Yours. Yours.”

He throws me onto the couch again, “Deal with it.”

No, no- that’s not going to happen. “I’m not getting an abortion! This is our child- you’re going to be a father. Deal with that.” I manage to stand up as he walks away. I immediately get into a blocking stance as he whirls around and storms up to me.

“What’s your fat ass going to do, beat me up?” He has a hold of my pony-tail, pulling my neck back at an odd angle, “I’d like to see you try.” He places his hand on my stomach, pushing hard on it. “You want to know what I’d do if you even attempted to defy me?” He lifts his hand, “This,” and punches me right in the stomach. I try to fold over, but he still has my head. He pulls back again and smacks me in the face this time.

I try to block him, but he always finds somewhere else to hit.

After twenty minutes of that, he gets bored and pushes me to the floor. He spits on me before walking out the apartment, slamming the door behind him. I crawl towards the bathroom, making a beeline towards my cell phone.

I dial my mother, slumping against the wall by the bathroom. I cry, listening to the dial tone.

“Herloo?” I hear her voice trill over the line. “Nuh, who is dis?”

I wipe my eyes, and mumble “Momma, momma it’s me.”

“Alma? Alma is that you? Speak up so I can hear you.”

I take a deep breath, “Turns out there isn’t a grandson in your near future.”

She growls at me, “What the hell did you do?”

“He wanted me to get an abortion and I said no. It’s not like I was trying to get pregnant, he raped me after all.”

“It doesn’t matter what he did, he’s your husband you-“

“Mom, he is not my husband, he’s only my boyfriend.”

“You’ve been with him for two years now- he’s your husband as far as I care. Do what he tells you. That’s your place as his woman.”

That line brings me to tears, “Mom, I just told you that he beat me-“

“You never used those words, and even if he did- it’s his right, he is your-“

“You know what?! F%%% you mom! I need you right now and you’re telling me to suck it up?! He just beat life, the life of my first child, right out of me?! You want me to let him do that to me?! F%%% you!” I push the call end button and search my contacts for Coach’s number.

He picks up immediately, “Alaska? What’s going on?”

His voice sooths me. Through my tears, I answer, “Yeah, it’s me. I’m sorry to be calling you after all this time. It’s just that- that- Carlin he just- and my mom- and-”

He cuts in, “Take a deep breath Alaska. What happened?”

I tell him everything, noting his huffing and growling. He waits for me to finish, “Alaska, why do you let him keep taking things from you? He’s taken your friends, your education, and your damned dignity! And now you allowed him to take your child?! What did I teach you? What did we work on for two years?”

I smile a bit, knowing he’s right, “You taught me how not to become my mother.”

“Then why would you undermine that training by staying with him? Answer me this: Do you still have Lef and Righ?”

I hold back a giggle, “Yeah, I still have my brassies. He doesn’t know about them.”

“Then why don’t you use them? Why aren’t you using what I taught you?” His voice heats with anger and sadness, I miss him- I miss it all.

I hear footsteps in front of the door. I whisper into the phone, “Coach, Coach, I think he’s back, I have to go.”

“You better use what you’ve been taught child.” He answers me before hanging up.

I turn off the phone and crawl as fast as I can into the bathroom where I shut the door and undress. As I strip my shirt off, my suspicions are confirmed; I double over and fall to the floor. Part of me is terrified at what is going on- but something else knows exactly what is going on.

An hour later, I sit pruning in the bathtub, my could-have been child heading somewhere I don’t want to think about. My tears have mingled with the water, my mind numbed for many minutes now.


Last edited by Lucky13 on September 25th 2008, 10:52 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Reply   September 25th 2008, 10:38 pm

Okay, it is good. I didn't find anything major to fuss at you about - EXCEPT ONE THING. If you have mature topic or language, PUT UP A WARNING. This is your warning. Okay?

Seriously, nothing jumped out at me. Not exactly my type of story or situation, so I did not get too close to the words. Don't be afraid to put more, just make sure that youngsters and prudes know that they should not read.

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PostSubject: Re: Scenes from Carlin's Toy {cotent}   September 25th 2008, 10:46 pm

So sorry Shocked I'll edit that title.

This isn't how the whole story unfolds, just how it starts off.

Going to add warning now...
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PostSubject: Re: Scenes from Carlin's Toy {cotent}   September 26th 2008, 9:03 pm

The Exchange felt a bit off between the Mother and Alaska. I would be hard pressed to imagine any woman talking to their child that way in such a dismissive tone unless they disowned the child a long time ago.

And in an era of cell phones I could not imagine anyone saying that marriage gives the right to abuse and beat someone, or the whole "bow down to your husband" mentality.
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Lucky13




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PostSubject: Re: Scenes from Carlin's Toy {cotent}   September 29th 2008, 9:12 pm

I have to admit that it seems out of content, but the story behind that is Alaska's fther was abusive to her mother, and she inturn raised (or believed) that it should be that way.

Can you suggest a specific modification I can make?
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PostSubject: Re: Scenes from Carlin's Toy {cotent}   October 1st 2008, 11:49 pm

Don't have her talk to her Mother, Have the Father take over the phone. Maybe even the mother sympathize with Alaska, but offer nothing she can do to help her.
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PostSubject: Re: Scenes from Carlin's Toy {cotent}   October 5th 2008, 2:44 pm

I think the story is fine. It definitely kept me reading....

I didn't like the theme... but that's life, that's out there I'm afraid. As to why the mother answered that way.. who knows.. well... you know Lucky13 (you're doing the story) so I'm not going to question the whys.

I was probably so busy following the story that if there are any msitakes, I haven't spotted them.
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