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For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

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 Novus Terra

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Number of posts : 9
Registration date : 2008-09-25

PostSubject: Novus Terra   September 29th 2008, 4:44 pm

This is an alternate fiction story I wrote for a contest at another site. Before you read it I will clear some things up. The year of 2761 is really 2008 just on the roman calendar if it was still in use. Anyways enjoy and critiscize.

It was the year 2761 in the month of Martius when Agrippa was first called to duty as a Legate of the roman empire. His legion was situated on the new continent called Novus Terra. Here was where the Germanic peoples had fled after a failed siege on rome many years ago. He and his tribunes were going to make history and hopefully make a new home for the citizens of the empire.

One of Agrippa's tribunes was with him and supposedly had important news.

"What is it?" Agrippa asked in perfect Latin.

"Sir, a Germanic outpost has been found just north of here."

"How many of them are there?"

"Twenty, maybe thirty, it could be easily taken."

"We need not to kill them all, they could possibly lead us to their city." Agrippa commanded.

"Aye." Agrippa's body language communicated to the tribune that they were done talking.

Agrippa went to his jeep as he did not want to miss anything. On the seat beside him was an Everto 17, the most commonly used automatic rifle in the legions. He started the jeep and followed the tribune's vehicle through the rugged terrain. Soon they were with the rest of the tribunes portion of the legion. They both got out of their vehicles and the Legate went to his tribune and said "I want to speak with your scout, where is he?"

After a call into the crowd of soldiers a weak looking man emerged, nervous in the company of Agrippa.

"What weapons did they use?" Agrippa inquired.

"P-p-primitive firearms, p-possibly comparable t-to early efflixi r-rifles sir."

The information Agrippa wanted was acquired and he ignored the scout and the tribune dismissed his soldier.

"We'll take a group of sixteen men, that should do the job." The tribune nodded. "I will come as well."

Looking surprised the tribune said, "But sir, your safet..."

"I will look after my own safety, I only wish to see history made." With that they gathered sixteen men - the best they could find - and made for the outpost. Roman soldiers were trained to fight in all circumstances and in this one they had to attack stealthily. Initiative was the key to win a battle where your soldiers were the minority.

Soon the outpost came into view. There were a few small buildings and in the middle of them was a tower, where a sniper was sleeping on the job. Orders were delivered and they waited to execute. But then one of their men fired too early sending a bullet straight through the snipers head. An alarm was sounded and shouting could be heard. "Idiot," Agrippa said under his breath then louder he said "Fire at will!"

Shots were being fired and the trees splintered as bullets ripped through them. Agrippa took aim with his Everto. It was set to burst shot and whenever a Germanic soldier came into view one burst took them down. Just then a bullet flew straight into a roman soldier's heart. He tried to stop the bleeding with his hands but blood was gushing through the poor man's fingers. Usually protocol would tell the soldiers to get him to safety, but his life was gone, just not yet over. One by one the enemy had been picked of until they were yelling their surrender. Following the orders of their better's the roman soldiers did not shoot. Slowly they emerged from the wood and took the hostages that had offered themselves.

"Do you speak Latin?" Inquired the tribune. They responded in gibberish but the word Latin could be recognized through the thick accent.

"I guess not," said Agrippo. "We will be able to communicate nonetheless." Agrippo kicked the Germanic soldier forward so that he wasn't facing him, then grabbed his shoulder and pulled him to his feet with the barrel of the gun poking into the small of his back. Out of reaction the hostage put his hands on his head. "Shoot the other one." A shot rang out and the living hostage mumbled in fear. Agrippo led him out of the cluster of buildings and into the open. He then rotated 360 degrees and then, ignoring the language barrier, he said harshly "Which way."

The hostage seemed to understand as he hesitantly start walking west. "Call the rest of the Legion, get them to our coordinates, I don't want to be caught off guard." They were traveling steadily downhill but then they leveled off, that's when groups from the Legion started arriving. Soon they were all gathered, heading west. Then it came into view, right on the horizon could be seen the silhouette of a city. Agrippo immediately fired a burst into the back of the hostages head, which seemed to burst in a myriad of brains and blood.

The Legate then retreated to the middle of the Legion. He had observed that the grass was tall enough to hide in until they reached the city. The Legion then acting as a single unit acted on the orders that it had received long before they had even reached Novus Terra. Most of the soldiers had little or no battle experience but they had been trained vigorously on Brittania before embarking on this mission. The city became clearly visible through the stalks of grass and the excitement and fear wrestled it's way into the hearts of the soldiers.

Just then, there could be heard a loud explosion, which revealed itself to be a mine. Roman limbs flew through the air as even more explosions sounded. "Damn it," yelled Agrippa cursing at the situation. Chaos now rocked the Legion and any excitement that once resided in the men turned to fear. After the explosions subsided shot's could be heard from both the Legion and the Germanic cities' army. Tribunes were yelling orders but they were all yelling different ones confusing the Legion even more. Agrippa saw some of his men retreating and cursed at their cowardice. He then pushed his way to the frontlines and joined in on the killing. The romans were thinning out until it was all but over. A soldier approached Agrippa and spoke in Germanic that Agrippa couldn't understand. The last thing Agrippa saw was the primitive Germanic rifle.
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PostSubject: Reply   September 29th 2008, 5:23 pm

Plot? Character? There is a story there, but quite raw. A good bit of description and a few tweaks to give some identity to the people would help.

It also would have helped to give some meaning to the death at the end. Was I to cheer for the Germanics? Was I to be sad at the death?

As a group of paragraphs that related a narrative - Good.
It could be so much more however.

Fantasy puts more requirements on the writer than any other fiction, because the world must be made as real before anything else can be real.
Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Re: Novus Terra   September 30th 2008, 2:58 am

I liked it... it simply flows but somehow I felt cheated at the end... I expcected a bit more so that means that this could be longer. I basically think you've made it to the end of the story too quickly...

relax, add some more..

I think I've spotted a mistake...

"After the explosions subsided shot's could be heard"

shouln't it be "shots" ?
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PostSubject: Re: Novus Terra   September 30th 2008, 6:07 pm

Oh, I like this its written very nicely.
I like the pictures I get in my head when I read this.
This is very nice and it flows very well.
I too feel cheated I think there should be more.
I would love to read more of your work.
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