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Is the phrase "Once upon a time..."
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33%
 33% [ 1 ]
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 67% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 3
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For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

The streets were deserted. Where was everyone? Where had they all gone?

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Look Back

When not able to write ahead, it helps to look back. In my case I had written a paragraph ahead of the story. What I needed to do was add a section of exposition (talking) presenting some facts. In going back, I realized that I could insert a section where a 'tour' of the surroundings could be done. This allowed for character interaction, story development, and other things that enabled me to present the facts in an entertaining manner.

One should not face a writer's block with the mentality of bursting through it. I have found in my own experience that a writer's block is usually due to my mind indicating that it has a problem in 'channeling' the story. One reason might be a re-imagining of certain story points. Another reason however is that there is a problem in where you are at in the story, so you need to look back and find out the problem with the 'journey' that prevents the tale from advancing.

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 Untitled - Poem on Father

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Bick


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Female
Number of posts : 144
Age : 27
Location : St. Louis, Missouri
Registration date : 2008-09-09

PostSubject: Untitled - Poem on Father   October 3rd 2008, 9:25 am

Warning - Minor Swearing


Quote :
I've been wanting to call it 'Bi-Polar' but that's not all it's about. I've yet to find a proper name for it. It's actually two poems, but they're interconnected. You'll see. This was written a few years back as a school assignment actually. I know, the swearing and the topic doesn't fit for school, but my teacher didn't care... she was that the kind of teacher.

I wouldn't mind editing it up so I can show my father one day. I know, that sounds really odd. But, either way, I had told my mother about it and she wanted to see it herself. The way it is now, I think it's flawed. More specifically I don't enjoy the second part... I'm not sure how to change it for the better though. Any help would be fantastic, and any comments on it in general would be nice as well wink

./hugsandlove hug

-Bick

Untitled

You get home
I walk up to you carefully
Watching your
Actions
They are quick
And angry
I know youíre in one of your moods

I try to get upstairs to my room
ďGet over hereĒ
I hear you say in that scary voice
That I know isnít really
You.

I bite my lip
Walk over to you
Slowly
You snap and me and tell me to clean
My room.
You call me a lazy
Bitch.
And anything you can think of

I mutter
ďYes, daddy.Ē
I know Iíd get hit if I hadnít said
It.

I bite down harder.
It helps me keep my tears in
I walk up to my room and lay on my bed
I let the tears onto my pillow

Ten years of this,
You tear me apart
Without you even knowing it?
They say you are bi-polar
But thatís just a fucking excuse

This pain you cause me
Mum
Sissy
It canít be forgiven just because youíre
Sick.

Iíve never known a real father
I never will.
No one should have to fear their dad.

Dad why canít you be real
Like everyone else?

Daddy,
do you really love me?

Part 2

I get home
The house is a mess.
Why canít it ever be clean?
Do I have to fucking work all day and come to
This?

I see you daughter,
Youíre walking up the steps.
I remember youíre disheveled room
And I canít help but be angry.

ďGet over here.Ē
I snap.
I tell you to clean your room.
I tell you how youíve been acting
You need to know.
I hate how quite you are around
Me
It upsets me more then you
Know.

You mutter
ďYes, daddyĒ
and walk off.
At least Iíve taught you respect you stupid
Bitch.

Dear daughter why do you hate me after all that I
Do?
You talk back
You make the house a mess.
Youíre just a lazy bitch.

Why canít you be a real daughter?
I go to work and pay for you
My life revolves around you
And all you show me is
This

Why daughter do you hate me so?
I try to be a good father!
I love you when you need to be loved.
I punish you when you need to be punished.
I even bring you goodies from work.

I try to be there
All you do is wish I hadnít come
I can tell by the whispers
When I leave to use the
Restroom.

Dear daughter
do you really love me?
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Iulia


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Number of posts : 27
Location : A mysterious forest
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-09-30

PostSubject: Re: Untitled - Poem on Father   October 3rd 2008, 2:18 pm

This is a good poem, writing wise. I thought it was clever the way you put it into both sides, and kept a sense of parallel.
./hug
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HYdraMStar


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Number of posts : 1170
Age : 39
Location : Charlotte, NC
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-07-20

PostSubject: Re: Untitled - Poem on Father   October 3rd 2008, 8:32 pm

Okay, only issue I found was the line, "You snap and me and tell me to clean". Should it read "You snap AT me and tell me to clean"?

Beyond that it's wonderful. I mean truly great.

I love how you tell the story from both sides and capture the emotion and thought process of your father. That shows a deep understanding of human nature, which is among the most important things for a writer to have.

Great work!
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Kellycakes


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Number of posts : 1136
Age : 40
Location : State of Thankfulness!
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-07-17

PostSubject: Re: Untitled - Poem on Father   October 4th 2008, 3:52 pm

Quote :
I hate how quite you are around
quite = quiet?

I must agree its a great piece, I too enjoy the story from both sides it gives the reader a clear perspective of what both characters are going through. Other than the two typos, I think its an excellently written piece. Nice work!

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