PortalHomeGalleryFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in
Log in
Username:
Password:
Log in automatically: 
:: I forgot my password
Poll
Is the phrase "Once upon a time..."
Overused
33%
 33% [ 1 ]
Underused
67%
 67% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 3
Monthly Writing Prompt
For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

The streets were deserted. Where was everyone? Where had they all gone?

Writing Tip
Our monthly writing tips are written by our very own TerishD. You can read more in Terish's Blog located in "The Abstractions" area of the forum.

Look Back

When not able to write ahead, it helps to look back. In my case I had written a paragraph ahead of the story. What I needed to do was add a section of exposition (talking) presenting some facts. In going back, I realized that I could insert a section where a 'tour' of the surroundings could be done. This allowed for character interaction, story development, and other things that enabled me to present the facts in an entertaining manner.

One should not face a writer's block with the mentality of bursting through it. I have found in my own experience that a writer's block is usually due to my mind indicating that it has a problem in 'channeling' the story. One reason might be a re-imagining of certain story points. Another reason however is that there is a problem in where you are at in the story, so you need to look back and find out the problem with the 'journey' that prevents the tale from advancing.

Latest topics
» the walker
Today at 4:34 am by oskar

» the saver
October 14th 2017, 4:28 am by oskar

» old poet and red wine
October 13th 2017, 4:18 am by oskar

» Who is the Enemy? TimeSaga D3 (4 of 6)
October 12th 2017, 5:38 pm by TerishD

» street walker in Oslo
October 12th 2017, 4:04 am by oskar

Top posters
oskar (2142)
 
TerishD (1231)
 
HYdraMStar (1170)
 
Kellycakes (1136)
 
Snacker (818)
 
Urs (569)
 
fleamailman (400)
 
Leaka (334)
 
JuJu (287)
 
alexandra (198)
 

Share | 
 

 Where Cecily Disappeared

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Phalen Schuyler


avatar

Female
Number of posts : 27
Age : 26
Location : Clarksville, MD
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-07-18

PostSubject: Where Cecily Disappeared   July 19th 2008, 10:58 am

Dameon Tanner walked through the dark halls carefully, his flashlight illuminating the way for him. He stopped short when a little girl stared up at him with dark, sea green eyes. Long, silky white-blonde hair tumbled past her shoulders, framing her small, oval face. She was exotic, beautiful for such a little kid. With his flashlight illuminating her face, she looked sinister, almost eerie. But she immediately looked like an average little kid when his eyes travelled down to her hands, where she clutched a small, ragged teddy bear.
"Hey, mister?
He jumped in shock when the words came out of her mouth. Her voice was loud and musical, too big for a little kid.
"Mister?" She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout when he didnít answer. "Mister, I ain't going to be calling you Mister no more if you keep on ignoring me like this." She looked comical with her arms crossed and her bottom lip sticking out, tapping her foot impatiently. Dameon swallowed. "Yeah?" It was pathetic how a little girl could make him speechless; his heart was running laps in his chest. The girl pointed at his flashlight that was shining directly into her face and shielded her eyes. "Your light is hurting my eyes." Dameon hastily lowered his flashlight. "Sorry." He mumbled, and cast a look around. "Howíd you get in here?"
The little girl stared up at him. "No, Mister. The question is, how did you get in here?" He was drowning in her eyes again.
Dameon shook his head to clear it. "Well, I-" He hesitated for a moment, and then continued. "Iím looking for some supplies, maybe food or blankets." The little girl giggled suddenly. "Food? The food here ainít good." She looked around carefully and then beckoned Dameon closer. He felt foolish when it dawned on him that he was the child, and she was the adult in this situation.
Casting that embarassing thought to the side, he knelt down so that he was at her level. "Whatís your name?" He asked, commanding that he be the responsible adult this time.
"Cecily. Itís not pronounced 'See-silly', itís 'Sess-silly'. Like with the word 'dress', only you take away the 'd'Ē and the 'r', and replace them with an 's' See? You say it." She gestured towards him to speak.
"Sess-Sess-illy. No, umm, Sess-silly. Cecily. He dragged out each letter, pretending that he couldn't say it correctly. Just so that she would believe that she was the more mature of the two of them. It was safer that way.
"Whatís your name, Mister?"
"Dameon." He said hastily, hoping that she would forget it as soon as she heard it.
"Tanner!" One of Dameon's comrade's, Johnny Poppy called, stomping down the hall noisily. Trory trailed behind a little ways, as though embarassed by Poppy's raucious nature. The difference between the two other men was shocking. Poppy was chubby, with a mop of curly brown hair, and Trory was tall and skinny with a shock of brilliantly red hair. He had green eyes and freckles, though he wasnít Irish.
Dameon stood up and raised his hand so that they could see where he was. "Over here." Both of the newcomers stopped short when they spotted the little girl.
"Who's this?" Poppy inquired, eyeing Cecily warily. She stared back at him with her overwhelming eyes until he blinked.
"This is Cecily." Dameon said, "I found her wandering around about five minutes ago." Cecily placed a hand on each hip and scowled defiantly at the trio. "I was not wandering; I was just going to visit Devin. Heís my baby; would you like to come with me? He would love company." The older three raised their eyebrows at this.
"Your ummm, baby? Dameon asked carefully.
"Yep! I found him, heís my baby now. Finders, keepers, losers, weepers!" She said in a sing-song, skipping past the three of them and down the hallway. Dameon glanced at the others, and then hurried down the hallway after Cecily.Poppy and Trory ran after Dameon, not wanting to be left behind. Together, they followed the little girl named Cecily into a strange room.
"I'm not liking this, Tanner." Said Poppy, sweating nervously.
Dameon rolled his eyes. "Get a grip, Poppy. Whatís a little girl going to do to us?"
Poppy was sweating even more than before. The sweat trailed in a thick line from his damp hair down his neck, like a river winding its path through the earth. "I dunno, But I do know that if I go, Iím taking the kid down with me." He performed a weird karate-like move for effect.
It was Trory's turn to roll his eyes that time. "Donít be stupid, Poppy. Weíre just going to see a baby. Probably imaginary too, by the sound of it."
At that moment an eerie voice calls from out of the darkness. "Finders, keepers, losers, weepers! At this, Poppy screamed and toppled to the floor. Cecily was standing in front of them, once again illuminated by Dameonís flashlight. This time she was clutching a real baby, instead of a teddy bear. Dameon was the first to recover from the shock. Annoyed, he rounded on his trembling friend. "Get a grip, Poppy."
His friend stood up hastily, clutching an empty chair in support. "Yeah, well, donít pretend that she didnít scare the crap out of you either." He snapped at Dameon.
"You know, I couldíve helped you up." Cecily said, her expression oddly blank.
Poppy scowled down at her. "'Help' is about the last thing I would have said." Dameon stepped closer to the baby in Cecily's arms and gazed down at its face. Its eyes were squeezed shut and its face held an expression that seemed like a permanent grimace.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.writerscafe.org/writers/PhalenSchuyler/
TerishD


avatar

Male
Number of posts : 1231
Age : 58
Location : Ringgold, Louisiana
Current Mood :
Registration date : 2008-07-21

PostSubject: Re: Where Cecily Disappeared   July 21st 2008, 6:29 pm

I am unsure how to rate this. I am not certain if this is the scene you had in your head, or if most of the scene is still in your head. The submission is incomplete, although well presented all the same.

The title is "Where Cecily Disappeared," yet we are presented with Cecily right from the beginning. We are also presented with Dameon at the beginning. Others get brought in from somewhere, but we are not told where. We are also not told where they are at. We are further not told why any of them are there. Truthfully, very little is revealed.

A little foundation work is necessary to make this submission worth building upon. It does seem to be a good concept for a horror story, so the work could well be rewarding.

_________________
Fantasy puts more requirements on the writer than any other fiction, because the world must be made as real before anything else can be real.
Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market. †"Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.terishd.com
Chrome


avatar

Female
Number of posts : 63
Age : 25
Location : Lahore, PK
Registration date : 2008-08-26

PostSubject: Re: Where Cecily Disappeared   September 1st 2008, 2:24 pm

Phalen Schuyler wrote:

Dameon Tanner walked through the dark halls carefully, his flashlight illuminating the way for him. He stopped short when a little girl stared up at him with dark, sea green eyes. Long, silky white-blonde hair tumbled past her shoulders, framing her small, oval face. She was exotic, beautiful for such a little kid. With his flashlight illuminating her face, she looked sinister, almost eerie. But she immediately looked like an average little kid when his eyes travelled down to her hands, where she clutched a small, ragged teddy bear. Three views of the girl in presence of one flashlight, one man and one incident! A little too much crowding, eh?
"Hey, mister?
He jumped in shock when the words came out of her mouth. Her voice was loud and musical, too big for a little kid.
"Mister?" She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout when he didnít answer. "Mister, I ain't going to be calling you Mister no more if you keep on ignoring me like this." She looked comical with her arms crossed and her bottom lip sticking out, tapping her foot impatiently. Dameon swallowed. "Yeah?" It was pathetic how a little girl could make him speechless; his heart was running laps in his chest. The girl pointed at his flashlight that was shining directly into her face and shielded her eyes. "Your light is hurting my eyes." Dameon hastily lowered his flashlight. "Sorry." He mumbled, and cast a look around. "Howíd you get in here?"
The little girl stared up at him. "No, Mister. The question is, how did you get in here?" He was drowning in her eyes again.
Dameon shook his head to clear it. "Well, I-" He hesitated for a moment, and then continued. "Iím looking for some supplies, maybe food or blankets." The little girl giggled suddenly. "Food? The food here ainít good." She looked around carefully and then beckoned Dameon closer. He felt foolish when it dawned on him that he was the child, and she was the adult in this situation.
Casting that embarassing thought to the side, he knelt down so that he was at her level. "Whatís your name?" He asked, commanding that he be the responsible adult this time.
"Cecily. Itís not pronounced 'See-silly', itís 'Sess-silly'. Like with the word 'dress', only you take away the 'd' and the 'r', and replace them with an 's' See? You say it." She gestured towards him to speak. Duh-oh! She's speaking, not typing, remember?
"Sess-Sess-illy. No, umm, Sess-silly. Cecily. He dragged out each letter, pretending that he couldn't say it correctly. Just so that she would believe that she was the more mature of the two of them. It was safer that way.
"Whatís your name, Mister?"
"Dameon." He said hastily, hoping that she would forget it as soon as she heard it.
"Tanner!" One of Dameon's comrade's, Johnny Poppy called, stomping down the hall noisily. Trory trailed behind a little ways, as though embarassed by Poppy's raucious nature. The difference between the two other men was shocking. Poppy was chubby, with a mop of curly brown hair, and Trory was tall and skinny with a shock of brilliantly red hair. He had green eyes and freckles, though he wasnít Irish.
Dameon stood up and raised his hand so that they could see where he was. "Over here." Both of the newcomers stopped short when they spotted the little girl.
"Who's this?" Poppy inquired, eyeing Cecily warily. She stared back at him with her overwhelming eyes until he blinked.
"This is Cecily." Dameon said, "I found her wandering around about five minutes ago." Cecily placed a hand on each hip and scowled defiantly at the trio. "I was not wandering; I was just going to visit Devin. Heís my baby; would you like to come with me? He would love company." The older three raised their eyebrows at this.
"Your umm, baby? Dameon asked carefully.
"Yep! I found him, heís my baby now. Finders, keepers, losers, weepers!" She said in a sing-song, skipping past the three of them and down the hallway. Dameon glanced at the others, and then hurried down the hallway after Cecily.Poppy and Trory ran after Dameon, not wanting to be left behind. Together, they followed the little girl named Cecily into a strange room. From the sound of it, this should be described. This vacuum could've been used to reach out to the background of the situation too.
"I'm not liking this, Tanner." Said Poppy, sweating nervously.
Dameon rolled his eyes. "Get a grip, Poppy. Whatís a little girl going to do to us?"
Poppy was sweating even more than before. The sweat trailed in a thick line from his damp hair down his neck, like a river winding its path through the earth. "I dunno, But I do know that if I go, Iím taking the kid down with me." He performed a weird karate-like move for effect.
It was Trory's turn to roll his eyes that time. "Donít be stupid, Poppy. Weíre just going to see a baby. Probably imaginary too, by the sound of it."
At that moment an eerie voice calls from out of the darkness. "Finders, keepers, losers, weepers! At this, Poppy screamed and toppled to the floor. Cecily was standing in front of them, once again illuminated by Dameonís flashlight. This time she was clutching a real baby, instead of a teddy bear. Dameon was the first to recover from the shock. Annoyed, he rounded on his trembling friend. "Get a grip, Poppy."
His friend stood up hastily, clutching an empty chair in support. "Yeah, well, donít pretend that she didnít scare the crap out of you either." He snapped at Dameon.
"You know, I couldíve helped you up." Cecily said, her expression oddly blank.
Poppy scowled down at her. "'Help' is about the last thing I would have said." Dameon stepped closer to the baby in Cecily's arms and gazed down at its face. Its eyes were squeezed shut and its face held an expression that seemed like a permanent grimace.

Overall, fine. Literary mistakes have been pointed out, now the story.

I don't mind the title. If this is all the length the story has (I doubt it), then we have a fiasco. If not, then we can compensate. Story titles don't have to fit to the first portion, if this happens later (the title theme) then its all right. What the problem I see is, like TerishD said, is ambiguity. I personally love ambiguity, but for a good deal of fun with it, even your oblivion should be attractive. This is actually sounding like some funny horror, and I don't see myself driving into the story. Pull me in; add some connection between me and the story.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
alexandra


avatar

Female
Number of posts : 198
Age : 52
Location : Valencia, Spain
Registration date : 2008-08-19

PostSubject: Re: Where Cecily Disappeared   September 2nd 2008, 8:23 am

I donít know where they are, are they in a cellar? In a basement?. I donít personally care for extensive description of things but a little clue would be helpful.

And another question, who are these guys? Are they good guys or bad guys?

Apart from that, I liked the story and I want to know more, there must be more to it. It was easy to read by the way.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://alexandrariera.spaces.live.com/
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Where Cecily Disappeared   

Back to top Go down
 
Where Cecily Disappeared
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» My Disappearing Bristlenose
» phantomoftheopera.com - the site has disappeared

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
 :: The Pennings (Writer's Forum) :: The Scrawler's Workplace-
Jump to: