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Is the phrase "Once upon a time..."
Overused
33%
 33% [ 1 ]
Underused
67%
 67% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 3
Monthly Writing Prompt
For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

The streets were deserted. Where was everyone? Where had they all gone?

Writing Tip
Our monthly writing tips are written by our very own TerishD. You can read more in Terish's Blog located in "The Abstractions" area of the forum.

Look Back

When not able to write ahead, it helps to look back. In my case I had written a paragraph ahead of the story. What I needed to do was add a section of exposition (talking) presenting some facts. In going back, I realized that I could insert a section where a 'tour' of the surroundings could be done. This allowed for character interaction, story development, and other things that enabled me to present the facts in an entertaining manner.

One should not face a writer's block with the mentality of bursting through it. I have found in my own experience that a writer's block is usually due to my mind indicating that it has a problem in 'channeling' the story. One reason might be a re-imagining of certain story points. Another reason however is that there is a problem in where you are at in the story, so you need to look back and find out the problem with the 'journey' that prevents the tale from advancing.

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 Secrets of Dread

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Leaka


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PostSubject: Secrets of Dread   March 4th 2009, 4:32 pm

A short story I have made recently:

Secrets of Dread


His name was Count Amadius. He was a liar, a cheat, and bought his friends with unhappy lies. This man...this man the same cheat and liar wronged me as well. Wronged me like so many other friends he has had before, wronged me as well. Usually he would screw his friends finances up or steal their lovers, but this time. This time he took it a few steps far worse then that. This is why, oh yes this was why he sat in front of me sipping wine and drunkly spilling out secrets of his trip to China.
“These Chinese were worse savages then the Native,” Amadius said.
Of course he would think that, he was American and looked upon his enemies with that blue eyed gaze. Where as I was European and had no particular thought on what race was wild or not.
“Yes, I hear that quite a lot these days...but what about the wine I bought you?” I replied.
“Very good, perfect aging,” Amadius said and with that comment poured himself rather lazily another glass.
Drink more, you savage little pig drink more.

He poured me a glass well, but I knew in the end he would drunkly guzzle down my glass as well before pouring himself another glass.
“Yes, I got it at Rosemary Vineyards...she has a gift a talent of wine,” I said.
Amadius began to laugh, the only time he ever took off his mask and looked human. That sick pig, that man who takes everything and destroys it.
“Rosemary, she's a suckling little whelp...doesn't know a damn thing,” Amadius said.
And this was the way he was naturally always looking down upon others. Amadius as I expected guzzled my glass.
Drink more, you savage little pig...continue to drink, drink.
Why though why should he?
Have you forgotten the plan?


I ignored my questions and just watched him pour me a glass and then himself another glass.
“Now the Chinese they might be savages, but they make some good darn rice wine,” Amadius said with another laugh.
“I've heard about that from some travelers,” I replied.
He poured us another two glasses of wine and just smiled as he drank his glass.
Drink more, you cow, drink and drink and drink.
What has he done?
Silence, he has wronged me.
Has he now?


I swallowed my spit hard now, the bottle was almost empty now and soon Amadius was going to fall like a rock. Amadius was a very sturdy man, very sturdy and I knew it would take him the whole bottle before the true poison kicked in. The wine was just the lure, there was something inside the wine made especially for him. I had slipped in the poisonous powder when he went to use the restroom thirty minutes ago. Finally, the last of the bottle. There was a certain urge of me now to take the bottle out of his hands and take it away from his lips.
“Aw, but where are my manners, are you sure you don't want the last little bit I don't want to seem like a pig,” Amadius said.

“No, it was meant for you please I insist,” I said.
Yes give it to me, let me drink from the bottle Amadius don't listen to my words.
Amadius let the last drops roll from his mouth to his throat. I watched him for a few moments the last thing on his face was that smile of his, that smile that he showed only when he was truly happy. That was the last feeling he felt, happiness. His body fell to the ground, he was dead before he even fell down. I stared at his body on the ground for a moment a fear cringed at my heart and fear like cold sweat ran down my spine. As I stared at his happy expression one more time, I felt nearly stricken with sickness and almost threw up. I had to keep it together, no one knew I was here tonight and my fingerprints had never touched the glass or the bottle. I was safe. But maybe not safe from me wronging myself.
Goodnight Amadius, goodnight. I'm sorry.
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PostSubject: Reply   March 4th 2009, 5:39 pm

THAN!!! Learn it! Seriously, you will save yourself lectures.

Okay, I guess that it is good that you got this text out of your system. I would go on one of my usual rants about DESCRIPTION or point out little inconsistencies (if he was American, how did he get the title of Count?), but I don't believe such would speak to your intent for writing. I could go on about how this fits into a larger story, but I don't believe you had such intensions either. I will thus simply make some safe comments and move on.

By the end the blend of description and emotion went rather well. I liked the fact that at the end, the speaker had remorse for what he had done.

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Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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PostSubject: Re: Secrets of Dread   March 4th 2009, 6:25 pm

the goblin liked it, "...I alway read what you write now, I won't comment until I have read more though..."
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Leaka


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PostSubject: Re: Secrets of Dread   March 4th 2009, 7:28 pm

TerishD wrote:
THAN!!! Learn it! Seriously, you will save yourself lectures.

What?


@Flea: It's a short story and won't be given anything else. Glad you like it.


Edit: He was called Count because in my Universe America has a similar statuses someone may have in Europe. Only for a short amount of time. This is like in between before the Civil War and the battle of Europe and somewhere away from the pilgrimage.
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PostSubject: About THAN   March 4th 2009, 11:08 pm

Leaka wrote:
This time he took it a few steps far worse then that.
THAN that

Leaka wrote:
These Chinese were worse savages then the Native.
THAN the Native

As I said, learn THAN.

_________________
Fantasy puts more requirements on the writer than any other fiction, because the world must be made as real before anything else can be real.
Adult Christian fiction quite different than all the usual lame stuff in that market.  "Dilemma of Dreams" now in hard back.
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Leaka


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PostSubject: Re: Secrets of Dread   March 4th 2009, 11:40 pm

TerishD wrote:
Leaka wrote:
This time he took it a few steps far worse then that.
THAN that

Leaka wrote:
These Chinese were worse savages then the Native.
THAN the Native

As I said, learn THAN.

Oh, I do that a lot.
Cause then sounds better to me.
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PostSubject: Re: Secrets of Dread   March 7th 2009, 11:15 pm

Quote :
His name was Count Amadius. He was a liar, a cheat, and bought his friends with unhappy lies. This man...this man the same cheat and liar wronged me as well. Wronged me like so many other friends he has had before, wronged me as well. Usually he would screw his friends finances up or steal their lovers, but this time. This time he took it a few steps far worse then that. This is why, oh yes this was why he sat in front of me sipping wine and drunkly spilling out secrets of his trip to China.

I'm sorry, but I didn't get past the first paragraph because of all the repetition. Sometime you can use language like that to create a tone, and I guess that's what you very going for, but in my opinion you severely overdid it. You also used fragments\run-ons, which is also acceptable in moderation - but not his many!

I don't intend to sound mean or like a know-it-all, I just have to say what I think. Again, sorry.
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PostSubject: Re: Secrets of Dread   June 10th 2009, 5:12 pm

You repeat a lot of words in this, it becomes redundant. You can remove the second, 'wronged me as well'. It won't hinder the story and it'll help the flow. The 'I'm sorry' at the end, can be chucked. Why should your character be sorry for when he was the one who wronged her? (That may just be my opinion though, I tend to kill a lot in my stories without remorse.)

Hope this helps, it was an interesting read.
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